Emergency Room Orifice Disasters The Conclusion

Backyard Studio Kickoff

Intro 0:11

From our humble backyard studio, this is the Almost Famous Radio podcast with your host, Jeff McJefferson. Let's go.

Jeffy McJefferson 0:24

And welcome to the Almost Famous Famous Radio podcast. Jeffy McJefferson here. We got the Ricker. Hey. We got Mike. Go ducks .damn it. Okay, let's start this podcast over here. Okay. And then actually, believe it or not, we have my buddy Pete and from the Netherlands. What's up, Pete? Can you hear everybody?

Pete 0:47

I can hear you. Go blue.

Jeffy McJefferson 0:49

Go blue. Right on,

What Everyone Is Drinking

Jeffy McJefferson 0:52

man. Okay, so what we do, Pete, we always go around the table, you know, to see what everybody is drinking. What you drinking, Ricker? I'm drinking Ninkasi Red IPA. Yeah, wait for this one there, Pete, from the Duck Fan. What do you got there, Duck Fan?

Mike 1:05

The manliest drink you can find, surge. Some white claw. It is, by the way. Low carbs.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:10

He's got a white claw.

Mike 1:11

Blood orange.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:13

What you got there? What you got over there way across the pond there, Pete?

Pete 1:18

I got uh Jack Daniels.

Ricker 1:20

Okay, he kicked our ass already. He's already more American than the rest. You win. Yeah, okay. Okay.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:32

I'm gonna background this real quick since we're now, since we're on the air now. Pete and I go back to probably about 2000, right, Pete? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We were on this Yahoo! College sports one was it like a chat room, wasn't it? Yeah. I I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I miss that shit. Yeah, that was like it was crazy times, right? You know, back then. It was it was it was, yeah. It was definitely. Yeah, we had a we had a bunch of cool people in there and everybody talked shit, man. It was kind of fun. Now we're gonna get you back, we're gonna get you back though for for a call in sports show, okay? You you down with that, brother? Did we lose Pete? It's midnight there. He may have fallen asleep.

Mike 2:24

I think you may have. Oh, hell. Jack Daniels doing his job.

Jeffy McJefferson 2:28

Jack Daniels is doing the job. Let me see. Let me

Old Internet Friends And Dropouts

Jeffy McJefferson 2:32

see if I can get Pete back real quick. Sorry, folks. Goodness sakes. That's kind of bullshit. Just singing.

Mike 2:43

Ricker singing songs. No.

Jeffy McJefferson 2:47

Sing a Joni Mitchell song or something.

Ricker 2:51

Joni Mitchell. We're going back to that. That's that's awesome.

Jeffy McJefferson 2:55

We're gonna get Pete back here soon. So sorry, folks. You know.

Ricker 3:00

Yeah. So uh technology. I'm still waiting for you to explain how good that game against Indiana was.

Mike 3:08

Well, it's in you know, we have only lost three games in the last two years, and every game was to the national champion. So that makes us uh almost I'm guessing almost national championship. Almost, except not quite. Well, wait till next year. You keep on saying that. Next year is our year. Uh-huh.

Jeffy McJefferson 3:29

Yeah. I'm pretty sure. Let me know if you're back yet. Damn. This sucks. We had him for so long. Oh, wait, he hadn't answered yet. So enter. Well, we can talk about other things.

Bad Songs And One Hit Wonders

Jeffy McJefferson 3:45

What music? Yeah, go for it. Please. Pete, are you back? We had this going on the car, right? We had some good song music. Are you back there, Pete?

Ricker 3:57

Well, that was not good song music.

Mike 3:59

That was music. It's the ultimate stalker song by the police. I'll be watching music. Two of them. Yeah, there you go. Two of them. Any place you go, everywhere you go, I'll be watching you. Yeah. First ring scene. Uh again. Yay, little girl, is your daddy home? Did he go and leave you all alone? I got a bad desire. Yeah, doesn't this suck?

Jeffy McJefferson 4:23

Everybody, listen to this crap now. Yeah.

Ricker 4:26

Yeah. Yeah. This is this is our rendition of bad music for you.

Mike 4:33

Come on, Eileen. Who named that song? There was the purpose. Thanks, he's Midnight Runners. That's right. One hit wonders of the 80s.

Ricker 4:41

One of them. Yeah. Yeah. We already went over this. This this was like rerun material, but they didn't hear it. I know, but it was crazy the amount of freaking one-hit wonders at number one. Oh, yeah. It's like, boy, they suck, they suck, they suck. That song's terrible. Boy, George sucked. Yeah, still does. Probably still swallowed. Yeah, still does.

Jeffy McJefferson 5:07

I'm pretty sure.

Mike 5:13

Not pretty, but.

Jeffy McJefferson 5:14

Trying to get Pete back here. So. Yeah. It's kind of cool. Sort of.

Ricker 5:22

Pete's been lost. Pete's lost.

Jeffy McJefferson 5:26

I'm going to try to call him. This is this is like my favorite coaster. We can't have dead air. Yeah. No, I know. Sorry. What was the other one? We talked about the songs. Oh, shit songs?

Mike 5:48

Oh, no. Yeah, keep talking about shit songs. Yeah, the stalker song. Oh, Reba McIntyre. Fancy. Yeah. Let me just get my dress daughter in a dress and get her out and whore her out so she can find a way to find a see that that's not, you know, like Jeffy and I wouldn't.

Ricker 6:04

You don't know Rebra McIntyre? Yeah, not really. No. He's from Oklahoma. He's gotten the Reber McIntyre. I know she's from Oklahoma, but I don't know. Do you do you notice that he does not live there anymore? He ran away. Well, the song was from the 90s. Well, I didn't run away. Yes, he did. Okay, so kicked him out. That's the difference. Ran away. So he didn't have to listen to Oklahoma music? Yeah. Yep. He ran to the ducks. No, he did not run to the ducks. Nobody runs to Uncle. Ran to the ducks? Everybody wants Uncle Phil. Well, everybody wants money. Uncle Phil, yeah. You're not wrong.

Mike 6:43

Yeah, that that's that's easy. But you know, if you just live by my motto, every day you'll be fine. What is that? I give head. Healthy, enlightened advice daily. If you do that, you'll be fine.

Ricker 7:01

I'm not sure about that. I don't even know if you can say that out loud. Family show? No. Not a family show.

Mike 7:11

Well, I like I said, it's fucked up. Well, you have to describe, you know, you have to explain what the acronym stands for.

Jeffy McJefferson 7:16

Pete, are you back? Thought he was back. Damn, man.

Ricker 7:24

International phone calls, man.

Jeffy McJefferson 7:26

Yeah. This international phone call stuff sucks, man, but we're gonna get him back. So you pay the tariff on that international call? I don't know if I paid the tariff or not, man.

Mike 7:34

Yeah, that's what happened. I don't know. Maybe this call is being rerouted through the Strait of Homo's. There you go. Could be.

Jeffy McJefferson 7:41

It could be.

Mike 7:49

All right,

Golf Pain And Sports Trash Talk

Mike 7:50

Ricker. It's your turn. Yeah, Ricker. Okay. Keep it my turn. If we were to golf right now.

Ricker 7:55

Yes. What about golf? I don't know. It would it would suck. Probably because I'm aged. Aged? Aged.

Jeffy McJefferson 8:08

Okay.

Ricker 8:08

Yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 8:09

Thought that's what you said. Yeah.

Ricker 8:11

Although, you know.

Mike 8:12

One good shot. That's all it takes. One good shot you need to bring it back. That wipes out all the bad shots.

Ricker 8:20

Well, it doesn't wipe them out because you still remember the bad shots, but it's enough to bring you back. Well, that's a reason why every golf course has a beer bar.

Mike 8:31

Oh, absolutely. If you go to a bar that's a bigger one, that's not a golf course, not a bar, leave immediately. It's something's wrong. Yeah.

Ricker 8:37

Yeah. You go to a golf course in a dry count uh county, uh you you need to turn around and go to a county in a hurry. Take your therapist with you.

Mike 8:45

Yeah. I've never played a sport that you get good at. What you do, you're good. I mean, you know, when I was playing fast pitch, I mean, I could throw a ball 96 miles an hour on the corner, hit that thing, perfect. I didn't throw the next pitch into the dugout. I mean, it's with golf, it's it is fuck. I I could be made for TV on the swing, and the next swing is like, just somebody please buy my clubs. I I got I don't care what. Just take them free. It is a transport.

Ricker 9:13

It is. But you know, it's not an I I don't know who it was. I don't know if it was Hey Pete. I th I thought it was Barclay or somebody said, you know. Pete, uh you with us? Car racing and this sucks, man. I can't believe this shit. Doesn't count as athletic sports. Like, are you sure about that? Because there's still hand-eye coordination going on.

Mike 9:44

Are you with me, brother? You watch Barclay golf. It's hard to believe he was an amazing basketball player. You watch his golf swing? It's like, really? You couldn't fix that? I mean, there wasn't a coach that could help you through that.

Jeffy McJefferson 9:53

He fixed it. Barkley? Yeah. Did he? He did. He didn't have that dumbass swing anymore.

Mike 10:02

Oh, it was ugly, dude. What do you set the challenge where it was him and I think Tiger and somebody else and Nicholson or whatever? It was just horrendous to watch.

Jeffy McJefferson 10:15

Yeah. I don't remember. Yeah.

Ricker 10:20

I remember that, but just vaguely, because it was more than 15 minutes ago.

Mike 10:25

So do if he was willing to get on TV and swing like that, he's got a he's got a set.

Jeffy McJefferson 10:31

I'll give him that. Yeah, you have to. Pete is struggling right now.

Mike 10:38

I'm struggling. Trying to get this thing done. Pete's sitting there at midnight in the Netherlands going, Jesus Christ, I'll go fill it by Jeff Daniels. You're in? Do we got him? We got him. Yeah. He's back. Yeah. All right, Pete. Pete, we made shit up just to kill time for you.

Ricker 10:53

Yeah.

Pete 10:54

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just make fun of me. No, we won't make fun of you. Oh no.

Ricker 10:58

Yeah, we it was we were making fun of the ducks. It was pretty uh didn't even take much.

Jeffy McJefferson 11:04

Actually, this sounds better than the previous call, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Pete 11:07

I can hear you badly. Jeff, most of the time, if I do uh transatlantic calls, I use Messenger. It's it's it's it's yeah, we should probably it's one of the best.

Mike 11:18

Yeah, we should do that from now on. I just thought you passed out, Pete, from the Jack Daniels.

Pete 11:24

I've just had I've just had one glass, you know.

Mike 11:26

At a time. That's all I do.

Pete 11:30

Or one bottle. I don't know.

Jeffy McJefferson 11:34

Yeah, well, yeah, you're right. The bottle is a glass. You know, a bottle is it's in a glass.

Mike 11:41

You like how you Netherlands sink. Uh big. Nice.

Jeffy McJefferson 11:50

All right, man. Before we lose you again, you ready to get into this bullshit that we do here?

Mike 11:54

Does he know the topic? Yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 11:56

He kind of does, yeah. Good.

Mike 11:58

Be a tough one to drop on the topic. He kind of knows the topic.

Jeffy McJefferson 12:00

Yeah. I'm not gonna drop that on him real quick, like hey, and say, hey, Pete. Yeah, just here you go.

Mike 12:05

I'm sure this has never happened, by the way, in the Netherlands, Pete. I'm sure your women are way beyond this.

Pete 12:10

I don't know. It's it's it's it's it's it's kind of like how big your income is, you know?

Jeffy McJefferson 12:15

I think how big your anus is. Well, this is this could be men or women, so I guess we can try it. We can sort that out with the list. Go ahead, Pete.

Pete 12:27

Um, what? My experience? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Jeffy McJefferson 12:34

Well, if you want to share that with everybody, you can, but you thought it sounded good at the time. Yeah. No, no, I don't know. Oh, Jesus. Oh.

Mike 12:43

He's out. We're not talking about a Jack Daniels bottle, are we?

Pete 12:46

I don't know. Where was that found? Yeah. Well, no, really. My dad's second wife, she worked in a hospital and they had some crazy shit. Oh, I bet. What was it? Something like car in a a toy car in a condom or anything? I don't know. People are fucked up. I don't know.

Jeffy McJefferson 13:08

I'm pretty sure that we're gonna probably hit that on

Disclaimer And The ER List Begins

Jeffy McJefferson 13:11

this. Um I I got a list, so I'm gonna go ahead and start. Are you ready? Uh okay. Okay. First of all, I'm gonna make a disclaimer. We're not gonna have it. Uh please don't sue us. Okay. So these are actually actual emergency room visits, and this is part three, because we did the dick first, and then we did the pussy second. And now we're doing the and now we're doing the ass. So first on first on the list, and this doesn't seem really out of the ordinary lubricant bottle.

Pete 13:46

Okay.

Jeffy McJefferson 13:46

Oh shit, yeah. Yeah, what do you guys say about that? Twice to me this week.

Ricker 13:50

Yeah, well, you're like, uh that sounds like every P. Diddy freaking party that there ever was, right? Oh shit. Well, you get the lubricant on your fingers, all of a sudden, slips, up it goes. It seems normal. Suction.

Pete 14:02

Slippery one way, go on.

Ricker 14:03

There you go. Slippery one wet.

Mike 14:05

Yeah, absolutely. Someone can suck so hard they can do it all the way through the tube. That's good.

Ricker 14:11

Really, it starts here and ends there. Full body sucks.

Mike 14:15

You gotta pull oxygen from somewhere. Okay. Like a wind tunnel.

Jeffy McJefferson 14:20

Kind of Pete, you know, when we were, you know, I was telling him about what's gonna be, and then he first heard a little snippet of the of the dick episode. He goes, What am I getting into? We've heard about you people in the Netherlands, Pete.

Pete 14:32

No worries. Actually, about the dick thing. Uh she had a story about putting beans. Yeah, well, okay. Most of you American guys are circumcised.

Jeffy McJefferson 14:45

Uh yeah.

Pete 14:47

Okay. Oh, well, in Europe it's not a common thing. Only Muslim people and Jewish, I don't know. But he I don't know if it's true, but he did some dried beans in his foreskin and that kind of swelled, so you guys are all wearing hoodies over there.

Jeffy McJefferson 15:08

Well, most of us, yeah.

Pete 15:09

Yeah. All right. You know how full you know how fucking cold this gets in the winter here?

Mike 15:23

Jeff, did you warn him about me? We had Star Wars, man. We got Darth Vader. We know our helmet should be open and see.

Jeffy McJefferson 15:29

No, I I I I kind of I kind of was telling a little bit about you, man, but I mean, I I want it to be a surprise, man.

Pete 15:35

Okay, okay, okay, stalker.

Jeffy McJefferson 15:38

You're perfect for the show.

Ricker 15:40

Oh, yeah. So yeah, you kind of fit in like the freaking round peg and their round hole, actually, believe it or not. Okay.

Pete 15:48

Okay. Well, I don't know.

Ricker 15:50

Especially since you're a Michigan fan. Well, you know, you get a big bunch of leeway. You're not an Oregon fan, so go team. Uh go ducks. Oh, yeah. Yeah, go.

Mike 16:05

You're transitioning right now, Pete. Thank you.

Pete 16:10

You're starting to identify differently. What? Yeah, but talk about identify. Are the ducks lost every year because they need a new costume every year, a new helmet?

Mike 16:20

Oh, yes. Every game. You lured me in, Pete. What the fuck off. No, anyway.

Pete 16:31

Okay.

Mike 16:32

We are building the largest indoor facility, period, for training at the Oregon. Uncle Phil, our Nike brethren. So yeah. Pretty soon everybody's going to want to come to Oregon. So you guys be lucky if you can find a place to be able to do it. Well, you know what?

Jeffy McJefferson 16:46

This kind of segues into the next deal, man, because uh Uncle Phil provides enema bottles, and that's what got stuck up an ass.

Pete 16:53

Oh.

Mike 16:54

Oh, Jesus. The whole bottle. The whole bottle. Somebody didn't read the instructions.

Ricker 17:00

Well, I mean, how?

Mike 17:04

Everything, there's a it should be a label.

Pete 17:06

Yeah.

Mike 17:08

Point can away from face. Do not spray into face. I mean, there should be a picture of the person who did it because otherwise there wouldn't be a label there. And on the enema bottle, there should be a picture of that person's.

Jeffy McJefferson 17:21

I don't know how many lawsuits are going to be on this list. Next one's nails. Nails in the ass. What? That almost sounds like a song. That's right, Pete. What? That's exactly what Ninece Nails sing it.

Ricker 17:33

Yeah, exactly.

Jeffy McJefferson 17:35

Nails?

Mike 17:36

I mean, rhythm nails. And the thought on it doesn't say. It comes with a tetanus shot.

Jeffy McJefferson 17:45

Yeah, I don't even know what size nails. It doesn't matter.

Mike 17:49

I mean, have you ever seen a thick nail? I mean, they're they can be long, but they're pointy at the end.

Jeffy McJefferson 17:55

And even if you went in reverse, it still sucks because it's got that big freaking well head on it.

Pete 18:01

Jesus. What? Maybe that scratches something. I don't know.

Mike 18:06

You know what though? Does it say if it was a woman or a man?

Jeffy McJefferson 18:10

No, none of these say if it's a woman or a man.

Mike 18:12

Because you know what? I would like to sit down and have a beer with that chick.

Jeffy McJefferson 18:15

Well, here's a funny one. Oh, that wasn't funny? Since we're sports guys. Okay. Patient states he put a baseball in his rectum to see what it felt like. A baseball. A baseball.

Pete 18:30

Okay. Inflated or inflated.

Mike 18:34

You know, you remember the thing where you have the baseball on a string that you throw and hit? He should have had the string on it. That's where he can get it back.

Jeffy McJefferson 18:42

Remember those. Remember those. Go ahead, Theat.

Pete 18:46

No, no, no, no, no. I'm just shocked. I'm just, you know, especially something.

Mike 18:50

You guys aren't big baseball fans in the Netherlands. Is that what you're saying?

Pete 18:54

We have some pretty we have Dutch players over in the Major League Baseball. Okay. Okay.

Ricker 19:01

Any players play at Michigan? Everybody that's worth a fuck plays at Michigan.

Mike 19:08

Jeez. Hey, at least it wasn't a softball. Look at the bright side. Fuck.

Jeffy McJefferson 19:12

You remember those, okay, when you were little, I mean, uh, I know these I'm asking these guys, you might even have one too, Pete, but they had a thing called a pitchback, and it was like a it was like thing that you could throw baseball at you and then it would come back at you. So, I mean, to me, that seemed like you know, you throw a 95 mile an hour fastball at a pitchback, open up your asshole, and that's the only way you can get that fucker up there, I think.

Mike 19:34

I was talking about like you put it on a T and it's got a string and you hit it, boom, and it only goes so far. Yeah, he needed to just make sure the string was still attached to the ball like tethering. Yeah, yeah. You don't need to go hunting and finding something you can't get.

Ricker 19:46

Well, I you know, uh my my question is why why not just wait until you're 60 years old and you're freaking prostate the size of a fucking softball? Then you don't have to worry that now you know what it feels like.

Mike 20:00

Well, there's that.

Ricker 20:01

See?

Mike 20:02

See? You just wait. I are you self-recured? Yeah, but it doesn't, it doesn't matter.

Jeffy McJefferson 20:06

I'm just guessing. Well, I'm I'm over 60, though, Pete, and I hadn't had a baseball up my ass, just to let you know. I'm one I want the record to be clear. By the way, Pete, I am the young guy here.

Pete 20:16

Yeah, well, it's not it's it's it's not the baseball inside, but it's it's it's it's going through the rim. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 20:25

Yes. And the stitches of the stuff the schemes are gonna get you. I can understand other than that. Ribs, freeze, but I mean like, golly. Okay, next one on the list, aerosol can. Gotta smell fresh. Do what? Aerosol can. Like an aerosol can, like a could be a can of ray paint. The guy had a spirit asshole.

Mike 20:44

I know it doesn't specify what you're saying, air freshener. The guy had a purpose.

Jeffy McJefferson 20:48

For breeze? Yeah.

Pete 20:50

From Jeff, from what spaceship did you got the list?

Mike 20:56

From Uranus. Yeah. At least.

Jeffy McJefferson 21:03

I guess that's how demented and sad I am. So, you know, he does his research.

Pete 21:08

And you guys and you guys asking about me what I'm doing at night. Right.

Ricker 21:16

Now we don't know. Hey, we don't know. There's no nationality attached to all this. These people could be from anywhere.

Pete 21:25

Sure could be. Yeah, but just just just looking, just looking, looking up those lists, you know.

Jeffy McJefferson 21:31

Exactly. I mean what's on a website that sends it to it. Is that what you're asking, Pete? Yeah, I don't know.

Mike 21:38

Wait till you hear the Neb podcast. I don't know.

Jeffy McJefferson 21:41

I'd like to say that it's uh show prep. Okay.

Pete 21:46

Okay.

Mike 21:47

Okay. Next the next podcast is going to be How Do You Recognize a Adam Zeppel?

Jeffy McJefferson 21:53

Well, we might have to kid. But how about a dog a dog chew toy?

Ricker 22:01

See, what kind of chew toy is the question? Is it one of those raw hide deals?

Pete 22:07

Listen, there are kind of like dog chew toys who are are looking exactly like those what do you call it?

Ricker 22:16

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that that's exactly it.

Jeffy McJefferson 22:19

So if I if I owned a dog chew toy company and and wanted to make sure that somebody could stick it up their ass, I'd probably call it Rover took over.

Mike 22:32

Here's a question. If you took it out, do you give it back to the dog?

Jeffy McJefferson 22:36

Well, if he didn't bring it back, you can play fetch. But if he didn't bring it back, you know that it's fucked up. It is fucked. Do you think you're gonna have problems with the biggest thing? No. Yeah, like everything else isn't fucked up right now. Okay. This one, this one I kind of don't understand. I mean, I I wouldn't it would never have crossed my mind, obviously. But a dryer sheet. Ooh. You know, like a bounce or shit like that. Fresh freshness. It's not about it.

Mike 23:05

Well, I guess you could freshen it up like that. You're trying to wipe and lost it.

Ricker 23:13

What kind of what kind of hungry asshole do you have that would suck up a fucking dryer sheet? Just curious, man.

Pete 23:21

Well, listen, if your hammer on stink, you can always, you know. Right. Pete understands me. Well. Oh my god, this goes the wrong way, really.

Ricker 23:33

Yeah, really quickly.

Jeffy McJefferson 23:35

Really. It always goes off the rails, man. That's all there is to it.

Mike 23:37

Sorry, Pete, you're on my side now.

Jeffy McJefferson 23:39

Okay. Okay, so this is kind of a well, I shouldn't say fucked up because all these are fucked up. Anyway. What did it delineate? Yeah.

Constipation Excuses And Worse Ideas

Jeffy McJefferson 23:50

So the patient was feeling constipated for two days. He took the base off of his uh beard clippers, wrapped them in a plastic baggie, inserted it into the rectum, and got it stuck.

Pete 24:04

Okay.

Jeffy McJefferson 24:05

Trying to chop up his turd? I mean, what's beard clippers? I don't. I mean, are you gonna are you gonna actually like trim your fucking beard after that? The fucker should have put scissors up there if he was being smart. Well, I'm sure there's scissors on here, I guess.

Mike 24:20

So I'm trying to get this guy advice. You can't give him a break. Can you make a phone's ER and telling the doc I was constipated, so I thought this would help. Yeah.

Ricker 24:34

That that gives a little meaning to the the words turd cutter.

Mike 24:41

That's a nice turd cutter.

Jeffy McJefferson 24:43

Yeah, yeah. Well, anything wrapped into, you know, at least he wrapped it in the plastic baggie instead of sticking the whole thing up his ass before that.

Mike 24:51

He did it. He did it safe.

Pete 24:54

Yeah.

Mike 24:54

I'm sure that guy uses condoms too.

Ricker 24:56

My question is, how hard it is uh how how hard is it for the doctors that see this shit to not freaking destroy the client patient, you know, hyppelause. Yeah, the hippology the lunch break room and going to air. I can't tell you who it was, but I sure as hell can tell you what it was. And I can walk into his room and show you because you gotta see this.

Jeffy McJefferson 25:23

The next time I get a haircut and I w I watch him break out these fucking clippers, and I'm like, oh my god, really? I think possible. You know what? That might make some good conversation for the chick that's cutting my hair.

Pete 25:36

Oh man.

Jeffy McJefferson 25:39

I'll probably I'll probably never get invited back to that place I get my haircut.

Ricker 25:43

No, absolutely not.

Jeffy McJefferson 25:45

What's the smell on your hair clippers? Yeah. Smells like shit.

Mike 25:51

I was trimming the nanus a little bit ago.

Jeffy McJefferson 25:53

You could have used the baggy. You could have used a baggy like this, like this cat did. But next one on the Yeah, Pete, I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm gonna apologize to you, but next one's a baton. A baton. Drum major. The drum major. Yeah.

Ricker 26:14

How'd that twirling action accidentally end up in the direct?

Jeffy McJefferson 26:19

And remember, on a baton, there's like a there's two ends. There's two ends, and one's bigger. Well, remember, there's one bigger part, you know, the end of the you know, end of the baton, the other one's smaller.

Mike 26:31

But the length if you're gonna twirl a baton, it's it's like this long.

Jeffy McJefferson 26:35

Yeah.

Mike 26:35

Can you really get it so far around that you can't get it back?

Jeffy McJefferson 26:38

That's impressive.

Mike 26:39

That's fucking impressive. I I'm gonna say that that person could be somebody I would say, I would bow down to that and say, good on you. Because I know how the intestines work. They destroy themselves.

Jeffy McJefferson 26:51

If he went out to eat after he put a baton up his ass and he goes, Man, this stuff smells uh rubbery or tastes rubbery.

Ricker 26:56

He wouldn't be able to swallow. He'd be spitting it out because his baton is right at the bottom of his throat. Pete, can you save us, please? Please.

Pete 27:04

No, no, no, I'm speechless.

Jeffy McJefferson 27:06

Really?

Pete 27:07

I thought I was twisted, but you know, no. There are people who are more twisted than me.

Jeffy McJefferson 27:12

Record, record.

Ricker 27:15

Record. Shit, you're freaking planning on how this is gonna work. But the baton is this long. I think there's gotta be something hanging out that you can still get. Well, just imagine the trip to the ER. There's no way it was done on his freaking backside.

Jeffy McJefferson 27:32

Somebody had to somebody had to drive him because he's gonna have to be laying his face down. Right.

Ricker 27:36

He's gotta be laying face down. Him or her. It really doesn't matter. No, this says he. Oh, it says he.

Mike 27:43

It says he? Oh, God. There must have been some Jack Daniels involved.

Jeffy McJefferson 27:47

Oh, it doesn't say he, but it doesn't matter. It must have been Jack Daniels. I'm glad Pete got that. Yeah, Pete's like, no.

Pete 27:55

No, but guys, really, I'm I'm I'm I I don't know how you say it in English, but I'm a picture thinker, so I won't be able to sleep for the next few hours. Right.

Jeffy McJefferson 28:05

Yeah, you might have to hit that Jack Daniels bottle a little bit.

Pete 28:09

Okay, well go ahead, Pete. No, no, no, no, no.

Jeffy McJefferson 28:14

Oh, he's ready to get to the next one. Yeah. Okay. Yes. You think that's a bad vision? Break your setting hair naked in front of me. How does that be? This one's not like a big deal, I don't think. Hair tie. A hair tie? Okay. How can you not pass that though? After a baton, that really doesn't mean much to me. Yeah, he might have shoved it. He might have had the hair tie first and shoved it up there with a baton. Maybe it came off using the cock ring and they got stuck up there. Could have been. There you go. It solved the mystery. Well, I mean, we should all be ER guys.

Ricker 28:48

I was was there somebody's head involved with the freaking, you know, the hair tie? I mean, was it a whole head and a hair tie? Was it like a dude with a like a bun? Yeah. Like a man, like a man bun. Yeah. The man bun, the whole thing got stuck up in there apart.

Jeffy McJefferson 29:07

He wanted his boyfriend to stick his man bun up his ass and got the hair tie lodged.

Mike 29:11

So a guy comes in, he's got his hair cut, and there's like three pounds of hair in his ass as well as a hair tie.

Pete 29:17

Gosh, I won't be able to sleep anymore.

Ricker 29:19

It's like a brilliant pad. None of us. I just cleaned it up. I wrecked him. We're all done.

Jeffy McJefferson 29:25

Yeah, because he won't he won't even be able to sleep, not just because of the list. He's like, the way you guys are mentioning this shit? Yeah, I understand that.

Mike 29:33

This shit never happens in the Netherlands.

Jeffy McJefferson 29:34

Like I said, I apologize to you first before we did this list, you know. Okay.

Pete 29:39

So I I had to sign an agreement, so I'm I'm I'm guessing I'm stuck with it. So, you know.

Jeffy McJefferson 29:45

Well, I don't know if you want to say stuck with it on this kind of subject, Pete.

Pete 29:49

Stuck in it is what you're talking about. But after this list, after this list, you're ready to ride a bike without a saddle.

Ricker 29:58

Uh yeah. God, I'm sure that happens. How much Jack Daniels do you have on hand to freaking kind of, you know, mitigate all this horse shit? Yeah. Because that's the real question.

Jeffy McJefferson 30:11

Pete's a bike rider.

Mike 30:12

I mean, like a bicycle rider. Oh, so oh yeah, you're getting rid of the saddle.

Jeffy McJefferson 30:15

Yeah.

Mike 30:15

He's not going to get rid of the saddle. Yeah. Pete, I will pay for your therapy. Uh you got my word.

Pete 30:23

Guys, I got a whole liquor cabinet full of whiskey.

Jeffy McJefferson 30:27

Well, you're probably gonna you're probably gonna need it by the time we're done with this shit, Pete. So okay, so next on the list, patient had a con was concerned about if he still had a small vibrator in his rectum that his girl placed in there on Friday. So I don't know when he went to the doctor, but obviously his chick placed a small vibrator in his asshole, and he's kind of worried about it being stuck up there all day. I don't even I don't know, man.

Mike 30:57

Wasn't quite sure. I want to I want to leave.

Pete 31:00

Go ahead, Pete. If he waits, if he waits enough and he's op open his mouth, it will come out eventually. If it's running.

Jeffy McJefferson 31:07

I kind of want to meet his girlfriend. Amen. Okay. Okay. I want to meet the girl.

Ricker 31:14

Well, she's got hands like this. Well, geez. Because those fingers can freaking obviously get quite a ways out.

Jeffy McJefferson 31:22

But she sub she shoved the small vibrator up his ass pipe. Do you think she'd let him know that by the way, I got it out?

Pete 31:29

I mean, was it was it like a fibroid egg or really a fibroator?

Mike 31:34

No, it's was it still on? I mean, it's like, is it still running? I think so. It's crawling up.

Ricker 31:43

And more more than one way, it's crawling up. Not with my small intestines.

Jeffy McJefferson 31:47

All I know is that um that I'm married to a great chick, but I I'm kind of in love with this girl. I don't want to stick a small vibrator. We should have some ground rules, that's all. Yeah, ground rules. Yeah.

Ricker 32:00

Well, I wonder if it You know, it was vibrating the whole time and then it it stopped. The battery's gone. He didn't know if it was still there after he took a you know number two. Battery went dead. Yeah, he wasn't sure, couldn't wasn't gonna go through his own crap, so you know, to make sure. So he wanted a professional. I would like to meet this girl though. I want to meet this girl.

Mike 32:25

It would be kind of fun.

Jeffy McJefferson 32:26

Come on, Pete. You would want to meet this girl, wouldn't you, Pete? Why?

Ricker 32:30

Yeah, I'm I'm with you.

Jeffy McJefferson 32:31

Just because she's a freak. I don't want to fucking stuff and things.

Pete 32:35

She she's fucking stuffing things up your ass. Come on, really open to the phone. No, I don't want her to pick it up on my meter. No, no. If if if a girl's you know, if a girl wants something to put up in your ass, that's she's probably dominant. So no. You're so close-minded.

Mike 32:52

See? No, no, no, no, no. I mean, she's that means the woman is open to changes.

Ricker 33:00

What the f where in the fuck do you come up with this shit? Are you serious? She's open to changes. Obviously, the change is she's gonna freaking do whatever she wants. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you this, man.

Jeffy McJefferson 33:13

If if that if that chick, you know, was doing this shit back in the Duke Lacrosse rape case, I mean, and shit like that, they she probably would have got away with it.

Pete 33:21

But there you go. Jeff, no, Jeff, next step is the next step is probably that she's standing behind you with her strap on, so no.

Jeffy McJefferson 33:29

How hot is she? Well, you know what? That's that's gonna pretend oppression. Well, she's gotta extract that vibrator first before she does the strap on. Yeah, she's just pushing it deeper in.

Pete 33:39

Strap them with a hook to get it out again.

Mike 33:42

Gather one of those little claws at the end of it. I'll get it. I'll reach it. Oh.

Pete 33:50

Okay. Guys, I'm switching through water.

Jeffy McJefferson 33:52

You know, don't do it. Don't do it, man.

Mike 33:56

You will not understand what we're saying.

Jeffy McJefferson 33:57

Yeah. Okay, next one on the list turkey baster. A turkey baster was it a Thanksgiving? Turkey baster.

Ricker 34:04

You know, those long. I I thought that's what I thought. Lesbians used uh self-inseminate. I thought so too. So it seems like that's in the wrong orifice. And but okay. Well, maybe it was Elton John.

Mike 34:22

Fuck what? I love what you said about the piano. That was a great joke. I never heard that.

Jeffy McJefferson 34:28

Oh, yeah. I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you my great Elton John joke there, Pete.

Pete 34:33

Okay.

Jeffy McJefferson 34:33

Elton John. Great on the piano, sucks on the organ. True, true, yeah.

Ricker 34:42

That wasn't even he didn't even uh didn't even flinch.

Mike 34:45

Elton John must be with the Netherlands, you should have offended him.

Jeffy McJefferson 34:48

Goodbye, Turkey Basa. You know it's been so long.

Mike 34:53

Rocket Man! Rocket Man.

Ricker 34:57

But how deep is that?

Mike 34:59

How about hey, while you're down there? I mean Wow. I mean, while you're in the fridge.

Jeffy McJefferson 35:05

How about the guy that he reported and Ricker? I'll wait till you get back on this one, man, after you get in beers for everybody. Another bottle of Jack Daniels for me. I'll get one here in the Pete, you're gonna love this one. Like he's like, okay, yeah, like I loved everything. Okay. Okay, take a shot real quick. That Jack Daniels, man. Okay, anyway. Okay.

The Shower Story And “I Was Bored”

Jeffy McJefferson 35:34

The guy reported he slipped in the shower and a shampoo bottle went up his ass.

Mike 35:40

It happens all the time. Okay. Who leaves their shampoo bottles on the shower floor?

Jeffy McJefferson 35:50

Yeah, and and on an on a bottle.

Pete 35:54

Was it was it like an XFL bottle or just, you know, a small monster bottle, you know?

Mike 36:00

It's a family pack.

Jeffy McJefferson 36:01

It would have to be like it would have to be like one of those two-in-ones with a shampoo and conditioner all together because there's got to be a little lube button. But the little push-button thing? That would like just how could you fall and slip in the shower?

Mike 36:14

I think that was a guy's trying to make a reason why he's has a shampoo bottle up his ass?

Pete 36:20

Was it was it back home or in prison? Because if it's in prison, then yeah, well, you know.

Jeffy McJefferson 36:25

That is a very good point. That is a very good point. So part of rope, maybe. Yeah. I always have a chance. He wanted to make sure Tyrone didn't get in trouble for fucking him in the ass.

Pete 36:33

Yeah, well, you know, or maybe the other friend, Baba, you know, in his house. Exactly.

Jeffy McJefferson 36:39

Well, that's kind of a good call. Well, here's the other one on the same spectrum. The guy states he was in the shower, he was bored. Oh God. And he decided to place a shampoo bottle in his ass. So that's kind of the same. That one sounds more legit than falling on a shampoo bottle with your asshole. Have you ever been that bored? I haven't been that bored. Have you anybody been that bored? No. Ricker? Pete? You've been that bored?

Mike 37:06

I've seen you look bored, but I don't think that ever crossed your mind. Under the show?

Pete 37:11

I'm done getting bored.

Mike 37:12

I mean, when I watch Michigan football games, I get bored, but I've never thought about that.

Pete 37:16

Wow. Maybe tripping on a bottle of beer, who knows? You know, it's smaller, but you know.

Ricker 37:23

That might go. Yeah. At least the shape is, you know, more conducive to going in without coming out. Yeah. Yeah.

Pete 37:31

Oh my God, you know.

Ricker 37:34

Or I'm going to use that for everything now.

Pete 37:37

I was bored. I was bored. No, sorry. Sorry, honey. I was bored.

Mike 37:42

Yeah.

Pete 37:43

Yeah.

Ricker 37:43

We gotta go to the hospital. I was bored.

Jeffy McJefferson 37:47

It was probably your his wife's shampoo. It was probably his wife's shampoo, not his.

Pete 37:50

How the fuck do you explain that to your wife or your your fiance or your girlfriend? Oh, I was bored. You know, sorry. I was bored.

Mike 37:59

That didn't work.

Pete 38:00

You're not kinky enough. I was bored.

Mike 38:03

Yeah, you know what? That's my coverall from now on. I'm I was bored. I was bored. I was bored. Just no, I'm gonna say I was bored. I was bored.

Jeffy McJefferson 38:13

When I'm bored, I just turn the TV channel to family guy. I don't stick a shampoo bottle up my ass. Well, you need to expand your opportunities. Well, now I might, okay. But no, I won't. I was bored. That's a new model. I was bored. How about a dental pick?

Ricker 38:30

A dental pick?

Jeffy McJefferson 38:32

A dental pick.

Ricker 38:33

That sounds like he's trying to chase a hemorrhoid.

Mike 38:35

Is that one of those placers? I don't know. Maybe this guy was constipated and he was trying to just chew it out.

Jeffy McJefferson 38:43

Oh. Because if his asshole's that small or a dental pick stretched him, that's it. I don't use those things that like get like meat from between my teeth. Dental pick? The dental pick. I don't even know. It could be a could it be a real could the like the when you get your teeth clean? Damn, that would hurt.

Mike 39:00

Why? Why? Or either way it would hurt. I mean there's no stretch. So what do you get out of that? It's pointy. I'm gonna puncture myself.

Ricker 39:08

An inch? Yeah, I'm telling you, it's an itch. It's gotta be an itch. Scratching the scratching the itch.

Mike 39:15

All right, Pete, you solved the problem.

Ricker 39:19

I was like, why? You solved the my asshole itched. Internal. I was bored. Not your asshole. Your rectum. It was an internal itch.

Mike 39:30

So luckily, you know have you ever had inside your ass itch? Guys, he was bored. Bored bored?

Ricker 39:38

That that seems to be that that seems to be our fallback for everything. Everybody's bored.

Jeffy McJefferson 39:43

Let's be honest with you. Literally, in my nightborne, I don't have a dental pick in there in case my ass itches. You shouldn't.

Pete 39:56

Jeff.

Mike 39:57

Yeah.

Pete 39:57

Jeff, what's one? Electric toothbrush electric toothbrush? There's the water picks.

Jeffy McJefferson 40:04

That sucks because I use an electric toothbrush, damn it. Not on my ass, but I use the electric toothbrush.

Mike 40:09

What's me? Toothbrush? It's just like a big thing. But now you got me thinking. Now you got me thinking.

Jeffy McJefferson 40:15

Now you got me thinking. What? Well, you said electric toothbrush. I got I got replacement, you know, heads in that thing. So I could toss one. Just put a condom on it. Just for the freaking yeah. So there you go.

Pete 40:27

So first, Jeff, so first you're gonna pick your hemorrhoids and then brush them.

Jeffy McJefferson 40:32

Yeah. That's a man with explosions right there. Plainliness is next to godliness, man.

Pete 40:39

Jeff, I just warn it because if I warm up, you know. Whoa.

Mike 40:45

I'm gonna move on. Me and Rich are staying out of this one. Yeah. I'm gonna move on.

Jeffy McJefferson 40:49

You two are having a old friend moment. I thought we were buds. Okay. How about this one? Corn cob holder. And those corn cob holder.

Pete 41:01

You know, sometimes a turret can be as big as a cool corn cob. So yeah, well, I can imagine that. Yeah.

Ricker 41:08

You think they put a corn cob. Chewing the corn off of your freaking turd.

Jeffy McJefferson 41:11

You think he put a corn cob You think he put a corn cob up his ass and try to get it with a corn cob? Yeah. And those things are those.

Mike 41:18

And they're not saying the corn cob was never found. They're just talking about they found the holder. Yeah, one of them. The corn cob wound up somewhere up in his sigmoid colon. I'm just going.

Jeffy McJefferson 41:29

Well, he was shapes there with an amateur. You went eventually on us. Yeah.

Mike 41:36

The R just found the corncob holder. The corncob was never found. Oh, okay.

Ricker 41:41

It's a mystery. That's what we're going with. It's a mystery. So we'll get Scooby-Doo on that.

Jeffy McJefferson 41:47

Okay, anyway.

Ricker 41:49

Douglas in the black hole.

Jeffy McJefferson 41:53

Well, this guy.

Ricker 41:57

Seems like a lot of guys involved.

Jeffy McJefferson 41:59

Yeah, I know. This uh that's what's kind of scary. We are the superior race. This is kind of scary, yeah. So this guy had gone out with his wife last night, had too many drinks, went home drunk, wife inserted a rubbery sex toy in the patient's rectum, unable to remove. That seems legit. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What kind of shape? Well, doesn't say.

Ricker 42:23

The unmovable kind. The kind that's one way. But at least it was rubbery. Once again, cool wife got a little over the top.

Pete 42:34

Yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 42:34

Kind of want to meet these.

Ricker 42:36

I think I think we know where the dental pick comes in. That's why I say I want to meet these chicks. Yeah. Yeah. They were using the dental pick to try and prize that bastard out.

Jeffy McJefferson 42:45

Well, this next one's pretty interesting. He just hadn't some guidelines. We're going to be able to go a million ways on this one because it's a highlighter. And the funny thing about a highlighter, it's the same color as the Oregon Ducks.

Ricker 42:57

That's true. Have you seen that game? At least, at least once it once a week. So that had to be a Ducks fan that stuck a highlighter up his ass.

Jeffy McJefferson 43:04

Is it green or yellow?

Mike 43:06

Or silver.

Jeffy McJefferson 43:06

Or bullet.

Mike 43:07

Or both or white. We use every fucking color. Well, so do they.

Jeffy McJefferson 43:14

What what color is the highlighter? Well, doesn't say. So it's got to be a little bit more. We're going with duck duck colors. Duck Hilla. Duckella. It's got to be duck colors.

Mike 43:23

A highlighter. Yeah. Was the lid on or off? I'm wondering.

Jeffy McJefferson 43:27

Well, it's got to be off, man, so they can make it the color of the ducks. Well, then you is there anything wrong with that?

Mike 43:33

Yeah, there's a lot wrong with it. If you're a duck fan, you want your asshole to be green, then so be it.

Ricker 43:42

You sure seem to be able to freaking be okay with anything a duck fan or a duck player or Dan Lanning or freaking Phil does.

Jeffy McJefferson 43:52

So if it's a duck fan, it's okay. Amazing. You want your asshole to be green. So if you got it stuck, sorry, but you know, at least if made the effort.

Ricker 44:00

Was it Kermit, the frog, that did this? Could it be? Was he just trying to touch up? I'm sure Uncle Phil paid for his medical bills, so fuck off.

Jeffy McJefferson 44:15

Okay.

Pete 44:17

Next one.

Jeffy McJefferson 44:18

Okay, next one. It wasn't a Michigan blue report. Man, I tell you. Seven-inch dildo inserted into rectum. When it accidentally went too far, he attempted another he, God dang. He attempted to use pliers to remove it. Pliers got stuck too.

Mike 44:35

Oh Jesus.

Ricker 44:37

It's a whole freight train of shit going backward.

Jeffy McJefferson 44:42

Bring it in the caboose. We work in the automotive industry. Can you go? Can you imagine going to the tool guy and go, I kind of need another set of pliers. I was bored at some forceps.

Mike 44:54

Got stuck in my ass. Long nose pliers. You're probably used to short pliers and that's a problem. Needle nose pliers.

Jeffy McJefferson 45:00

What are those needle nose? Oh god well you know it's it's still not as bad as toothpick. Jeff Jeff Jeff seriously is is this a list from from from the USA or just generally here dude and then you guys over there are not you know we're we're not classy you guys are classy.

Pete 45:21

This is from London Pete I I thought we were fucked up you know yeah you're not you got us beat I mean we're we got we beat your ass trust me there's a lot of messed up people here if you hadn't noticed so this dude again another fucking dude I can't believe this shit.

Tools Get Involved And It Escalates

Jeffy McJefferson 45:38

What you wouldn't label plastic coat hanger in his ass he inserted the hanger during sexual activity he cut off the outside the hanger so he could drive to the ER well at least he had some tools around to snip them off.

Ricker 45:56

You know he didn't lose the tool in his dang well can you just imagine it's like well I thought it'd work better if if only half of it was you know splayed out in my asshole. Maybe they wouldn't look at me as bad.

Pete 46:09

I've I've used common sense something like honey can you get my coat?

Mike 46:14

Nope I got I can get half your coat half your coat gets hung that's it I'm guessing you cut the hook off i'm I'm guessing I once again a coat hanger is like this long that's like a foot or more it's not it's not it's not this long in there it's this wide too but it's but if it's plastic it will bend. But it's not like if you cut it in half it goes yeah but it's not a matter of it's a tripod in there it's like you went so far and you can't get it back.

Jeffy McJefferson 46:47

That was it a bifurcable one or another one see is a plastic one is a plastic one.

Mike 46:53

So well Ben but you know you put it up there okay you're a fucking weirdo but the fact you put it so far you can't get it back that's when you got to question yourself.

Ricker 47:01

Here's the thing no you need to quite the fact that it was going up there in the first place as a great idea was a mistake. Okay let's start there. You got me there and go from there.

Jeffy McJefferson 47:13

Here's the thing guys I'm so I don't I don't wish death on anybody but you know Jerry Springer died so it's like he did he would have beat me to this good call. Is he dead?

Mike 47:24

Yeah I didn't know that yeah well here's here we go I'm gonna skip overknob because that's self-explanatory was it a crystal doorknob well maybe it wasn't with a lot of facets what wasn't one of those levers oh shit what if it was I shouldn't even say oh shit yeah I don't know what if it was a curved handle outer door handle you know with a little maybe this is so much larger yeah see don't skip over anything I thought this was going to be more simple Pete but I guess there's several types of doorknobs that doesn't specify so some would be more fun than others yeah was it yeah okay yeah okay I'm just trying to imagine some things but never mind I won't I won't sleep imagining Pete you know what I'll I I guarantee you this Pete all all your doors are going to be open from now on aren't they so you don't have to fuck with touch a doorknob I take every fucking door out of my room really yeah there you go the doors are gone not just the knob I removed the doors for fuck's sake the door that's what he said he's gonna remove all this doors okay yeah so another he God dang man I mean these have to be in the I don't know they have to be somewhere in the south anyway he inserted a light bulb into his ass this morning with the glass side first and due to the suction effect the bulb got sucked up was it on or off he would make Benjamin Franklin just sticking glass in your ass yeah but LED I mean hopefully it looks modern not an incandescent it was a glass light bulb yeah well yeah they they they yeah yeah it was kind of impressive that he got it up there without breaking the fucker yeah but the the problem is the light bulb's bigger on the end he stuck up small in the end so it's just gonna you gotta do it reverse you don't do it at all is really what you have to do I'm just trying to help out the stupid people I'm gonna be listening to podcasts and go which way do I put the light bulb in my ass and he's gonna listen to this and go oh small side first there you go helping people and he'll be on next year's list because small side didn't work either how about a flashlight how about a flashlight small side first well I mean you're each one a mag a mag light yeah mag light yeah that would be that'd be brutal once the cop use on you yeah if you do it I go full force uh go big or go home right yeah that's it think big you know if your electricity went out when you were doing that at least you got a light there but I mean you're like a glow stick if you fart like a glow stick if you fart you get some light for a second that's it and you get a free flapping light.

Ricker 50:37

What's up he after that huge maclog in your ass you open your mouth and got your light again yeah there you go yeah I got you shine my halo out okay well this is a check reports using a butt plug in Uranus thank god a few hours ago and it broke off my significant other used tweezers to retrieve that piece that broke off and now the tweezers too are stuck in the ass but you know what this one makes total sense to me and I'm I'm proud of him for trying to help it was an effort yeah what can you say we're freaks in the sheets and something went wrong I tried to help it I'm a retard but I tried but if you if if you if you go mouth to mouth you blow in your mouth wouldn't it pop out there you go pop out exactly yeah well Pete that's if we're going with with positive pressure going in one end it should pop whatever out on the other end yeah how do you convince her how long you're supposed to do that I just wonder that you know he he got all that stuff done the tweezers got stuck up there and I'm sure that he was pretty turned on and jerked off all over her ass.

Mike 51:54

There were semen stains all over her ass when he took her to the hospital yeah the blue light was crazy.

Pete 52:00

Yeah yeah he put and he was sleeping when they got to the hospital right but it's all good I just get a sandwich watch ESPN he went in there and said Doc you got a cigarette why are you gonna stick that up our ass two homes dude at this point in time why use tweezers fuck get your hand in there go forward the shit sucker out that's the coolest thing we've heard so far like that chick I want to meet we want to meet so many chicks in there does it come with age and stats one of these things by the way no but okay yeah I wish we could find phone numbers how about physical address we did that last time that's why we were doing this again exactly uncooked pasta who's gonna eat it on the other end of that one well in a way it's getting moisty it's getting warm and after a minute or 15 minutes.

Jeffy McJefferson 52:54

That's exactly what I was going to say moist unless you're talking about cake. Yeah what's a cell dented you know they could probably shut it out and then they can have dinner. Oh but cream sauce he can put a little cream sauce on it dude they got everything you need oh there you go once again what spaghetti or or m macaroni or you know oh the spiral thing rich for pleasure depends on what you're in the mood for yeah why go the except for both what if it was lasagna that's pretty good brigatoni rigatoni's been better because it's got the spirals and just like yeah you don't want bow tie possess up there well that would yeah it would be I don't know if you have rigatoni on a stick like 12 of them lined up in a row yeah I think I've seen that at a at a carnival rigatoni on a stick right next to the fried bread right from the from the assened that at the at the uh uh Texas State Fair rigatoni on a stick on a stick yeah that's that's what the long that's why they got the you know longhorn term they have longhorn pasta so this guy stated he had a foreign body in his rectum I mean sorry Pete we're not talking about you there's a Netherland in my ass yeah so foreign body in his rectum that is vibrating he states he was with a girl last night and doesn't remember much yeah that's a night we all would love to have I would use that excuse too I would I would do that I I don't remember that that just seems like I'd be proud of going to the doctor and going guess what happened you said you've seen this chick dude dude she was hot man yeah yeah she gets hotter as the day goes on unfortunately she was gone when I woke up she looked like Jennifer Aniston man and she stuck this thing up my ass and it was vibrating man I just that's the only thing I remembered with that can you please take it out but the problem is hopefully you don't remember what she really looked like yeah that would be not good yeah you chew your own arm off to get away from her you know what they say the more I drink the cute do you look amen that's a universal saying I can drink you pretty perfect she's a 12 pack pretty so this dude was being intimate with his girlfriend and they shoved the rectangular travel toothbrush holder in his ass and they were only able to get half of it out was it the cover or the brush that's what I was wondering too that's my question.

Mike 55:45

Why rectangular have anybody looked at the try out the butt I mean the butt is round why would you put something rectangular up there?

Jeffy McJefferson 55:51

I mean just for comfort purposes well we can't really we can't really freaking explain why these people do this I was trying to apply logic my bad yeah you can't you know it's you can't apply logic to this shit it it seems like there's a lot of freaking sucking up going on and not enough going out well not enough not enough sucking well I mean well yeah that if there was enough sucking then there would be no need for freaking well there you go the uh rectal play I'm starting to learn the ass is a giant vacuum that that's what I'm thinking yeah it's like I you know if you open your mouth the vacuum is gone dang it you know what negative pressure good call this is why we have a European on here because Europeans are much better at the science thing we don't be the scientist by trade by trade really allegedly are we ready for last but not least is that the last one only one more to go I want to roll you want more break oh jeez about to go next year okay reports having a six inch vibrator in the ass since 2 p.m today doesn't recall placing the vibrator in the rectum also reporting taking poppers at the time yeah shocker poppers that's self-explanatory I mean well yeah I mean is it don't you stick something in your ass every time you do poppers we don't do fucking poppers yeah this is gonna be you know the reason I'm not gonna ever do poppers apparently so do one is like I just got a weird feeling yeah and I want to do a Tide pod when I'm done here's the thing man it was like 2 p.m it wasn't even at night you you didn't even have time to get fucked up it's still daylight and I get this idea yeah that's when you say you know I got nothing I need to accomplish today I didn't recall it what's an idea it's there poppers and something in my asshole that sounds like a good idea at least it wasn't a toothpick I don't know the guy was smart I don't know dog I I don't know dog I'm just feeling butterflies don't she's going to bed now and do something crazy because of what we talked to you

Poppers Memory Gaps And Regret

Jeffy McJefferson 58:20

about. Pop pop that coochie pop pop that coochie baby Pete are you married no but I'm a living theater for almost more than for 30 years.

Mike 58:30

Okay so you have so is that woman in danger tonight I'm just asking no because she's in our she's at the coast in our uh uh what do you call it trailer I I don't know as long as she's not there next to you I feel better well no I what I'm worried about is neither there's she was yeah if she was there you might be going uh guess what I found I got an idea Pete's gonna finish you should be gonna feel you should be horrified put some death metal on and Lord knows what's gonna happen after that don't go to nine inch nails that's death metal no not to Pete that's death metal come on that that is yeah you are like crazy death metal yeah I'm I'm you know yeah you and Joel get along well yeah you know nine inch nails is like wham did you put right you just put that music on to just relax and go to sleep yeah yeah okay yeah all right dude what what do you think about do you do you listen to piano music very often sometimes you listen to organs no because I no no no no no no no no I don't talk about this no it took it took a minute to do luckily the time difference is he got it Friday beat I know butt rock friday it's Saturday yeah it's Saturday you guys were ahead of us it's Sunday it's Sunday yeah yeah it should be I guess it is yeah because you're seven hours in front of us like nine thirteen or nine oh really okay so you're talking to the future oh shit oh that's well welcome to tomorrow I guess that's what it is I guess so yeah I've heard the thing about fire do you guys have that fire yeah no we have what did the ducks exist in the future yeah but they still suck did we win the national championship next year no they won't kind of suck in Georgian but no there's still an O for damn it hey Pete what I'm gonna do if the Ducks get in the national championship game next year which I'm sure they will I'm gonna call you and you're gonna watch the game before me and I'm gonna say hey do I put money on this or not?

Pete 1:00:53

Yeah yeah yeah yeah try that you know what you know what Pete if he does that lie to him no matter what yeah that's right I know I know I will I will tell him you know just just put your money on that or the other one or wink wink you know or just show something under your ass it'll feel better.

Ricker 1:01:09

So if they're if they're getting annihilated in the championship game which is more you know most likely would have happened then just go hey dude put all your money on the ducks man yeah those son those sons of bitches blew them out and then oh yeah don't do that no yeah do that it's you know it's uh it's a it's uh an equation it's the amount of obnoxiousness times the amount of money laid on the bat exactly and and then it's square that's how much you're gonna lose yeah yeah yeah that's why I don't go to casinos it's it's gonna be it's right it's gonna unless I need fresh air it's gonna be as square as these guys sticking this shit square shit up their ass pipe yeah yeah talk about a round peg and a square hole there you go it's so Pete are you a square gonna actually be able to freaking sleep tonight without you know massive amounts of more alcohol because I don't think I'm gonna be able to I got to freaking avoid thinking of all this to be honest I'm I'm um I drank one one whiskey and because I'm on med so I'm I'm I'm drinking water right now. Oh my you know my mind is already fucked up so you know well that's good you know admitting it is the first step and doing absolutely nothing about it I love your therapy that's that's the first thing in recovery is yeah you know you gotta admit it first right yeah and then I'm gonna admit it first and you just fucking go straight into that cinder block wall that's what you do.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:02:50

Guys guys and if they want to blame me I I just I got a good excuse I I was born that's it I was bored we know now that's all you need to say I can do anything stupid and if you're bored you get away with it I was bored yeah I wish you were sitting at the table with us yeah yeah you'd be drinking alcohol at this point me too are you are you ever planning on coming to the States again Pete uh yeah yeah have you guys met in person no no no no um no we just met on um we didn't even uh had a webcam out so okay was it you that I showed no no not a guy no never yeah Pete's hung I'll give him that no so you got all his dick pics that's good enough I got dick pics very good yeah thanks Pete Twinkie pink I didn't know there are black guys in the Netherlands Pete I I didn't know no but are you are you are you gonna consider coming to the States again I want to go to the States the thing is we have uh uh a dog uh a dog uh a French bulldog and my daughter doesn't want to bring the dog into what do you call it uh a dog bound or a channel channel yeah yeah so the thing with with traveling is and is but I want to go and I want to come and just don't know where because oh I don't know where you were it's gonna be right here you still live in New Mexico no I live in Oregon Oregon okay yeah yeah I thought you moved to New Mexico I did I did for about a year and then moved back to Oregon yeah my wife's just a heads up here New Mexico is the same age as old Mexico okay oh is it now same age oh is it okay let's God let's Google that they're all made at the same time yeah but I don't know where

College Football Hate List

Jeffy McJefferson 1:05:00

the other York is but New York is here's what you should do Pete I mean whenever you get a chance to come out make you know do it like on a uh Michigan Oregon game because now that they're in the Big Ten and come out here and we'll we'll go to that little dinky stadium that they have there. Yeah that cute stadium you know cute that little high school stadium that they that they are so proud of and they do you know what's good about that Pete about Oregon? Oh your team old well that it's kind of cute and like I tell Mike every time it's like it's kind of cute how they always put how many national championships they have right in the center of their field.

Mike 1:05:38

Center of the field fucker they have that big they have that big zero yeah big zero out there in all yeah yeah it's it's an alphabet dumb fucks it's not a number it looks like a number oh but it it it represents the same thing I'm going I'm going I'm going number one Pete I thought we were buds you were I it's three on one now He's a Michigan guy.

Pete 1:06:03

I was born. I root for Michigan. Listen, I I root I root for Michigan, but if I can watch a good college game and it doesn't matter what team it is, I will watch it.

Mike 1:06:12

Well, you're saying there's a chance. That's right. To watch Indiana.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:06:16

He's not saying he's saying there's a chance.

Ricker 1:06:22

Oh! Oh my gosh, you said that out loud. What did you say, Pete? I know, I know, I know, I know. He didn't say anything. He's good. I could back this fucker up.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:06:33

Yes, yes. Yeah.

Ricker 1:06:36

Yeah, focus, Jeffy.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:06:37

Yeah.

Ricker 1:06:38

Don't worry about the small stuff.

Mike 1:06:40

Yeah. My computer.

Pete 1:06:42

Pretty point, pretty point.

Mike 1:06:43

Who has a better chance of being the national champion next year? Oklahoma or Oregon? Or Michigan.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:06:50

You can say Oklahoma. It's okay, Petey.

Mike 1:06:53

Ignorance does not absolve you. Okay.

Pete 1:06:58

You know what it is with with the preseason polls that it goes from. I don't know.

Mike 1:07:07

You should be a politician, Pete. You're doing a great job. You've covered all your bases there.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:07:12

Well, I'll tell you this much right now. Amen. Yes. We hate especially.

Mike 1:07:24

And Alabama.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:07:25

Yeah. And USC.

Ricker 1:07:31

Yeah. Good. That's exactly the right response from a Michigan fan.

Pete 1:07:36

Don't call names. Really. Stop, Jeff. I love you as a brother, but don't don't use that word. No.

Mike 1:07:45

Iowa State, Alabama, and USC. And Washington. The Huskies. Washington's fine.

Pete 1:07:51

You don't care to you guys, but from Pac-12. To be honest, there are two teams. There are two teams I don't want to watch in their shitty stadium. That's Notre Dame and Ohio State and the rest.

Mike 1:08:02

Oh, that's a Notre That's Notre Dame, by the way. No, he says it correctly. Who taught you how to read, Pete? Mooter. He reads it. Noterdame.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:08:12

Now, hey, I'll tell you this much, Pete. If you take an overhead shot of the stadium in Columbus. It looks like a toilet. It's a fucking tourney sheet.

Ricker 1:08:22

Yeah, it is. It's a tourney sheet. Absolutely. It is a toilet bowl. And when they planted the flag last year or the year before last. A couple years ago when Baker did that. Yeah. That was the best thing ever. Baker Mayfield planted that OE flag right in that fucking ball. Oh no, no, no, no. We're talking about Michigan and planting the flag and freaking. Well, they took it from Baker. It doesn't matter.

Pete 1:08:45

Yeah, it does. True, true. He was the first one.

Ricker 1:08:48

Baker did it. He he may have been the first one to do it, but it only counted when freaking Michigan did it at the toilet bar. Not in that. I remember Baker doing it. What team was that?

Jeffy McJefferson 1:08:58

Ohio State. Oh, yes. Yeah. Right in that block O, right in the middle of the field. Yeah.

Mike 1:09:02

Playing at that point. I mean, I I that kid's not as good as I mean, he's not bad. He's great. He's fucking he is a he will go. If you're playing with him, you're going to love him.

Pete 1:09:15

Yeah.

Mike 1:09:16

I wish his skill set was a little bit better, but he will fight for you, and I love his enthusiasm. Yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:09:21

And to do that back when he did it, he turned a lot of Michigan fans into Oklahoma fans when he planted that. Absolutely.

Pete 1:09:29

True. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Future Sports Show Plans And Goodbye

Jeffy McJefferson 1:09:33

So we're gonna we're gonna do a uh a college football preview here, you know, before the season, Pete, and you're gonna have to join us on that.

Pete 1:09:41

Yeah, I gotta read myself in because but it's it's it's really hard to get magazines over here right now. I used to have the Lindy's and Athlons, but God, those are old schools.

Mike 1:09:51

You guys get magazines? What's that?

Jeffy McJefferson 1:09:55

Pete you got.

Mike 1:09:56

Playboy used to be a good thing.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:09:57

You got the internet, Pete. You don't need Athlons and fucking rivals?

Mike 1:10:00

Penthouse. I got boy, Hustler.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:10:02

I used to magazine, I remember. Yeah, Penthouse.

Pete 1:10:05

I gotta have something no, I gotta I I gotta have something to shove up my ass, so you know it's well just put a drawstring on it, buddy, so you can pull it out, okay?

Mike 1:10:16

Be smart. Yeah, yeah, make sure.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:10:19

Yeah, tether that fucker. Tether that fucker up, dude, man, so we don't have to fucking go through this next year with you.

Mike 1:10:25

Yeah, and from the Netherlands, a guy named Pete had a sports magazine shoved up his ass so far he couldn't get it back.

Pete 1:10:34

Not only the the the pro football, but also the college and the big ten.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:10:39

I'm gonna a lot of magazines up there, Pete. I'm gonna shut the podcast down, but we can still talk, okay, Pete? Yeah, yeah. All right. I'm gonna play the outro music and we can talk during it too. You ready? Good night, guys. I'm ready. Yeah, thanks, Pete, man, for coming on here.

Pete 1:10:55

You're welcome. Glad to have me. So yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:10:57

You're the man.

Pete 1:10:58

Guys, thank you.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:10:59

All right. Hang tight, though, because we're gonna talk afterwards, okay? I'm gonna hold it. All right, brother. Oh yeah, forgot to say we're out. Close enough. I could say it during this. We could talk during the outro. I don't really give a shit.

Mike 1:11:15

I'm still recovering. It's safe to talk now. Okay. Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, hey, just remember, I was bored. Yeah, no. I was bored.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:11:26

I'm gonna have to jump that chair that mic's.

Mike 1:11:28

Anything I do now is covered. Yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:11:32

It's gravy. Go up, buddy.

Mike 1:11:43

It's still on the phone, yeah. It's covered in anal gravy. That's why you can get on brave. That was a problem.