When Crime Fails For Ridiculous Reasons

Backyard Studio Banter And Beer

Jeffy McJefferson 0:04

Well, we'll see how that worked, right?

Rayette 0:07

I'm glad you know how to run this podcast. From our humble backyard studio, this is the Almost Famous Radio podcast with your host, Jeffy McJefferson.Let's go

Jeffy McJefferson 0:35

And welcome to the Almost Famous Radio Podcast. Jeffy McJefferson here, ruling with an iron fist. Iron fist.

Rayette 0:43

Yeah, right.

Jeffy McJefferson 0:45

No. Today we have Rayette.

Rayette 0:47

Hello.

Jeffy McJefferson 0:48

The Ricker Oh yeah. Sitting in his mom's. What's up, Mom? There you go. That's all I need to do.

Rayette 0:56

She didn't want a mic today.

Jeffy McJefferson 0:58

I wonder what Red's drinking today.

Rayette 1:02

Give you one guess.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:04

I'll give you two.

Rayette 1:06

You should have bought stock.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:08

Should've bought stock.

Rayette 1:11

D B. Little Dutch bros

Ricker 1:14

There we go. What is this again? Ninkasi something or other.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:18

Red IPA?

Ricker 1:20

Red IPA.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:21

Yeah. It's good stuff. Juniorzafa and it's kind of like you know, it's from Georgetown. And I love Georgetown. Right.

Rayette 1:32

It's a baby Bodie.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:33

Kind of a baby Bodie, but it's not that great. It's not I shouldn't say it's not that great. It's an all-day drinker type of thing. It's not even that. It's like uh I'll finish the six pack and never buy it again. Okay.

Rayette 1:46

They watered it down too much.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:48

I don't know. Maybe? Or something.

Rayette 1:53

It was worth a shot.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:54

It's not bad. It was worth a shot.

Ricker 1:57

And that was all it gets is one. One shot. One shot. See ya.

Rayette 2:02

One shot. We're looking for hop slice. If anybody has hop slice, bring that back.

Jeffy McJefferson 2:08

They're never gonna . Yeah, they're never gonna they're never gonna bring that up. Deschutes if you're listening. Hop slice. Yeah, Deschutes. I thought they changed and Deschutes ain't listening. Brewers. And that's what sucks is that brew masters do it. And hop slice is a perfect summer beer, and it's a like a session like IPA that they had. And it's got a little Meyer Lemon. Right. And I'm not a really lemon beer fan. Except for this. I could pre-collect twenty of those motherfuckers and not even get drunk. Okay. So anyway. Anywho. Shall we get on with the subject at hand?

Krista 2:51

Do it.

Jeffy McJefferson 2:52

This is Rayette's a gang.

Rayette 2:56

Because I says have such great ideas.

Jeffy McJefferson 2:59

Because she has such great ideas. Man, I was in a I honestly, I was in a dry. I was kind of you know how musicians get dry.

Ricker 3:06

Well, writers, the same thing. You get up, you just can't freaking function.

Jeffy McJefferson 3:12

Well, I was like thinking, well, what the hell, man? I was like, I and I actually texted you last night. I said, hey, I got a I got an idea. And then I woke up this morning and I was like, It's not such a great idea. It sucks so bad. And I'm like, I'm not doing that shit.

Rayette 3:31

Blows.

Ricker 3:33

Yeah, I was gonna I I was I wasn't gonna come back with it.

Jeffy McJefferson 3:35

Blows goats, I have proof.

Ricker 3:38

I wasn't gonna say anything. I was gonna wait until you told me. Well, no, I I was I was willing to give it a shot, but uh you never uh uh went any further, and I thought, well, it must have really sucked because it must have sucked hard. I told him it might get the ball rolling, but it it wasn't uh it wasn't an hour long make you happy. Yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 4:06

I mean I mean this of this program. Oh, the program. Yeah, okay. Yeah, you got the program.

Rayette 4:13

Now you got it. Now you understand. Now I understand. It's all about the program.

Jeffy McJefferson 4:16

Yes. It is all about the program. Okay. Well, now we're on Rayette. So Ray and Rayette got it. And she We were at cartwrights today. No. Tell me more. Okay, I'll let you know. We drove.

Ricker 4:37

No, don't let's just skip to the freaking. Found a shady parking space. And we found a place. Yeah, okay. Okay.

Dumb Criminals Kick Things Off

Rayette 4:44

So we're gonna talk about some dumb criminals today.

Speaker 2 4:48

Yeah.

Rayette 4:49

Because there's some dumb criminals out there. Would you agree?

Ricker 4:54

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Well, there's dumb people, and there's uh enough of them that have a criminal intent that's a very good thing. It's like Michael Jackson and and another bandit smooth criminal.

Jeffy McJefferson 5:08

These aren't smooth criminals.

Rayette 5:09

These are not smooth criminals.

Jeffy McJefferson 5:11

Alien ant form farm. Yes, thank you. You're welcome. Kind of forgot about who it was. Yeah.

Rayette 5:18

Okay. So this one, some police in I'm gonna badger this name. Osing Osining New York?

Ricker 5:28

Osining.

Rayette 5:29

Ausining?

Ricker 5:30

I think so. Okay, that sounds better.

Rayette 5:32

Police Ausinine, New York, were called to a mini mart where they found Blake Leek, 23 years old, trying to break in. They chased Leek through the streets until both cops took a tumble. Seizing the opportunity, Leek sought re refuge on the grounds of a large building. The building was the Sing Sing Maximum Security Prison where he was promptly nabbed by a guard.

Ricker 5:58

So he basically ran back home. That's what he did. I'm coming home because I'm stupid. Blake Leek. Yeah, I know.

Rayette 6:09

I know. What a nice name, right?

Ricker 6:10

That's perfect.

Rayette 6:11

Sorry if your last name's Leek.

Ricker 6:13

Yeah, I think it is austening because same saying is.

Jeffy McJefferson 6:16

Oh, you're gonna apologize for the guy's name being leak.

Ricker 6:19

I don't think you should apologize for anything this cat does.

Jeffy McJefferson 6:23

So that the cops go back and they go, hey man, we uh took a leak. We did take a leak. Yeah.

Ricker 6:30

Actually, Leek took himself, basically. Well, true, but I don't say anything. Yeah, we took a leak. We took a leak. Yeah.

Rayette 6:38

I guess you could say that.

Ricker 6:40

Yeah. That's not really smart going to the prison instead of hilarious, though. It is funny. It is. I'm just gonna run right towards the prison. Like you don't even know where in the fuck you're at.

Krista 6:52

Right.

Ricker 6:53

I mean, literally. It's like I've lived here all I'd see, I'd like to know if he lived there all his life. Because I got a feeling he is.

Jeffy McJefferson 7:01

So Andy's a frame on freaking on the movie. Yeah. He crawled through like yards and yards of shit. Right. Got out, and he goes, uh, probably should go back. Uh no. No, absolutely not. I'm sure you took a leak during it.

Ricker 7:20

Well, at that point, you're wearing it. You might as well just, you know, live with it. I think so. It's the one time, it's it's acceptable. Yeah. You're in a pile of poo and pee. Uh if you, you know, nobody's gonna know if you build yourself or not. Yeah, there's no there's no difference.

Jeffy McJefferson 7:40

You're on you know, you escape from Shaw Shank. Yeah. And you're like, okay, well, I'm crawling through all these miles of shit. Yeah. I'm just gonna I'm just gonna add to it. I'll just go ahead and you're not gonna stop because you're already trying to get out of out of prison. You don't have to worry about taking a piss. You don't have to worry about taking a shit, because you're crawling through it.

Rayette 8:02

Nobody would know.

Ricker 8:03

You're just part of the stream. It's a stream. Well, it's a stream of I don't thank God for him it was raining.

Jeffy McJefferson 8:14

Nastiness. Because it was raining, you know, that when he got out. Yeah, how lucky was that? Well, because he knew it was a thunderstorm coming because you know he was like hitting the mic.

Ricker 8:23

Yeah, but you've been in dry thunderstorms. I've been in quite a few out here at least.

Jeffy McJefferson 8:30

Well, you had to take the take the chance. Yeah. So okay, number two.

Ricker 8:34

Go ahead.

Rayette 8:35

Hang on, I just hit the wrong button. Oh shit. Here we go. A Scottish shoplifter was picked up after pinching a bottle of vodka from a liquor store. It didn't take Sherlock Holmes to find Morrison, though. His name and phone number were left with the clerk after asking her out on a date.

Jeffy McJefferson 8:58

You gotta be kidding me. Can you do that in a Scottish accent though, babe?

Rayette 9:04

No.

Jeffy McJefferson 9:04

Okay. Just checking. Because I d I I can't. I can I can't do accents like that.

Rayette 9:10

No, I can't either.

Ricker 9:11

But he left The only thing I can do is He left his name and number for the clerk. My neighbor was Scottish. He always used to threaten us.

Rayette 9:20

But then he stole a bottle of liquor, and so they were easy to catch him because they knew who he was.

Ricker 9:26

Uh yeah, they did. And they probably had his phone number. Here's my number. Well they did because he Yeah. Right.

Jeffy McJefferson 9:33

They did have the phone number, right?

Rayette 9:34

Yeah. They got it from the girl that was. The girl, yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 9:36

I wonder how hot.

Rayette 9:38

Luke probably did not go out with him.

Jeffy McJefferson 9:39

Oh, it'd like to well, she couldn't, yeah. Not not immediately, at least. Kind of wondered how hot she was. You think she was hot? Really it didn't matter, but probably not.

Ricker 9:50

I I I think to the you know, the to the stupid criminal part of the story, not that's really immaterial.

Jeffy McJefferson 9:57

Man, if you're gonna do all that shit and leave your name and phone number, it would be a good idea. It should be it should be some.

Ricker 10:03

Yeah, she should be extremely, you know. Yeah. Obviously not. Yeah, I mean, it sh it should be worth it. Okay. Put it this way.

Rayette 10:12

Hang on, this keeps messing up.

Ricker 10:14

Yeah, because that's okay.

Jeffy McJefferson 10:17

We'll still talk about that hot Scottish chick that had a phone number. Is there hot Scottish chicks?

Ricker 10:25

I was watching Top Gear, and they had you know, because it's over in England and England. England. England. And they had some Scottish pop singer on there, some girl.

Jeffy McJefferson 10:42

Yeah.

Ricker 10:43

And she was very good looking.

Jeffy McJefferson 10:45

Okay.

Ricker 10:45

Yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 10:46

Well, we got that going. Yeah. They got that going.

Ricker 10:48

You couldn't understand her because she had that Scottish accent. Scottish I don't even know.

Jeffy McJefferson 10:54

Scottish. I don't know.

Rayette 10:56

I don't know either. Okay. For a trio of drug thieves, it was their lucky day. They broke into a home in Silver Springs, Florida and discovered three jars of cocaine. They took it home and snorted the contents. That's when they discovered that the jars, in fact, were urns and that they were snorting the cre cremains of the victim's husband and two dogs.

Jeffy McJefferson 11:17

First off, don't fuck around with Florida cops. No, no, no, no. That's always a lot of people. I've watched a little bit of on patrol live, you know, from you know, and they had the Florida people. Yeah. Those motherfuckers don't play.

Ricker 11:32

Uh no, and they encouraged the uh citizenry to be armed and freaking don't play either. That's not really bright. Yeah. I mean, I wonder if they got high. You know, if the cremanes were, you know, if they were so wasted when they got cremated that they thought they were high as fucking shit.

Jeffy McJefferson 11:54

You know, and they're like, oh, dude, this is the best fucking coke ever.

Ricker 11:58

Wouldn't that be hilarious? It's like you have nothing in your system, stupid. Yeah.

Rayette 12:04

Except nothing.

Ricker 12:06

Other than dogs. Yeah. You got a little bit of freaking dog hair.

Jeffy McJefferson 12:10

Yeah, you tested it. That's it. You tested me. I I wasn't fucked up. But you broke in, so you're not going to be able to do it. Yeah, you're you're going, you're going. You're going to jail. Yeah. Good job, guys. Yeah.

Parenting Fails And Public Robberies

Rayette 12:22

All right. This one, bring your child to work day, is a long-honored tradition that allows children to see what goes on in the business world while also getting the chance to watch their parents ply their trade. One crook brought his young son along with him on a job, which happened to be robbing a pet shop. He was caught soon after, minus something important, his son.

Ricker 12:43

He left his son at the store.

Rayette 12:46

Yep.

Ricker 12:48

That's some that's some brilliance right there. I got everything I need except. This is like watching the jerk all over again. All I need is, all I need is, all I need is, and the one thing you don't need, oh, the kid that you forgot. I'm kind of like, yeah. First this.

Jeffy McJefferson 13:09

Because I I I I don't even know what to say on this one. That's dumbassery. Golly.

Rayette 13:16

I know, right? Bring your son to work day.

Jeffy McJefferson 13:19

Oh, yeah. So you're yeah.

Rayette 13:20

So you go rob a place.

Jeffy McJefferson 13:22

You're a robber. Okay. Well, I guess that's a yeah. Not a brilliant one.

Rayette 13:28

No, definitely not.

Ricker 13:29

Not on the, you know.

Jeffy McJefferson 13:31

No, Father of the Year categories. Probably not going to happen.

Ricker 13:35

This is he's they're not going to make a Pink Panther movie out of this. They're not going to make either. It's not going to happen.

Jeffy McJefferson 13:41

No.

Rayette 13:41

No.

Jeffy McJefferson 13:42

Yeah. They'll have some stupid show about it. But anyway.

Rayette 13:45

All right. This one, as two men waited in line at the coffee shop to pay their bill, a third cut in front of them. He threw a drink at the clerk and demanded all the money from the till. Temporarily surprised, the men quickly recovered and handcuffed the crook. Apparently, in his rush, the criminal didn't notice that they were police officers in full uniform.

Ricker 14:03

Wow.

Rayette 14:04

He had one thing in mind, and that was robbing that till.

Ricker 14:07

Right. And he didn't notice the two cops that were standing there.

Jeffy McJefferson 14:11

Yeah, he didn't think about the cops.

Ricker 14:13

No. Well, you know, you gotta give him one thing. Genius. Not genius, obviously. It's blinders on. He's so focused, he's not thinking about anything. Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

Rayette 14:28

He only had one thing in mind, and that was Robin that Till.

Ricker 14:32

So he is so super hyper focused that he's dumb to everything around.

Jeffy McJefferson 14:39

Yeah, you got to give him credit for that, I guess.

Ricker 14:41

Well, you got to give him credit for something, but I don't know if it's anything having to do with brains. No.

Jeffy McJefferson 14:48

Well, could he could he do that equation on the board like on Goodwill? Doubt it. Okay. But he was hyper focused on getting that till. He was hyper focused. Wonder how much was in the till. Probably $10.

Speaker 2 15:00

I was going to say it's a coffee shop. Probably not.

Ricker 15:03

Come on. Yeah, remember it's usually cards. Yeah, but I mean you're a cash payer. I am. Yeah. But he also doesn't go to coffee shops. Yeah, and I don't go to. But I mean, most people aren't anymore. It's like robbing banks is really or robbing businesses, yeah. Not really smart anymore because there's not a whole lot of cash business going on.

Jeffy McJefferson 15:32

If I was gonna freaking really be a crook like this, and I and I'd be dumb, obviously, but I'm I'm gonna go for robbing a bank.

Rayette 15:40

If you're gonna go back.

Ricker 15:42

You gotta go big, man. Yeah, that's where the money's at.

Rayette 15:46

If you're gonna go, you gotta go big.

Ricker 15:48

Yeah. Well, at least do your research and find out what's a good cash business. And I know it never works. You know, bank robbers don't really get away with anything. No, they usually get away with a prison sentence. That's what they get away with. That's true. That that's the one thing they usually get.

Jeffy McJefferson 16:06

But you know, male ego. Male ego is like, hey, you know what? I'll go ahead and I can do this. I'm better than anybody else. Fuck these other bank robbers, man.

Ricker 16:13

These guys are stupid. Yeah, that's right. It's just like communism, man. It's just the wrong people trying it.

Jeffy McJefferson 16:21

I'll be babyface Nelson, asshole. Okay, go ahead.

Rayette 16:25

All right. Recently, a woman in Fresno, California was stopped at a DUI checkpoint for being soused. Ever helpful, she offered up this info. My husband's right behind me, and he's even drunker than I am.

Jeffy McJefferson 16:37

That's kind of that's kind of brilliant. Awesome. It's brilliant.

Ricker 16:40

Don't look at me, look at him. Yeah. That is pretty good. Except you're both going to jail.

Jeffy McJefferson 16:47

It's classic Fresno, though, right?

Ricker 16:49

It is. If I said that my brother-in-law lives in Fresno, and I guarantee if I told him this, he'd go, Yeah, this is that's about my girl.

Jeffy McJefferson 16:58

Yeah, my girl Maria, she lived in Fresno. So and she tells me stories about Fresno all the time. This sounds Fresno all the way.

Ricker 17:06

If you told her this, there would be no surprise in her voice. No, she needs to listen to it. Yeah.

Rayette 17:11

She would go, uh have her listen to this and be like, there's some stuff about Fresno on there. Yeah, yeah. Don't tell her what or where or anything.

Ricker 17:19

And the worst thing, she'd probably go, Well, that's nothing.

Rayette 17:24

Yeah, probably.

Ricker 17:25

Yeah, we've nothing.

Jeffy McJefferson 17:26

We might even get another topic on the show about Fresno.

unknown 17:29

Yeah.

Ricker 17:30

Yeah, why haven't you had her on? I bet you she could do a f show on stupid criminals just in Fresno.

Rayette 17:36

Probably.

unknown 17:37

Yeah.

Ricker 17:38

Literally.

Jeffy McJefferson 17:39

I've tried to get her on, but she's got to come all the way from what, Shady Cove?

Speaker 2 17:43

Oh, okay. Well that's 20 minutes. Sorry. Maria, come home.

Rayette 17:49

All right.

Speaker 2 17:50

Next

Escapes Gone Wrong In Plain Sight

Speaker 2 17:51

one.

Rayette 17:51

When an attempted robbery at a Lowe's home improvement store went awry, Milton Hodges fled across the street and jumped a fence right into the Cypress Cove nudist resort and spa. As the Orlando Sentinel pointed out, as one of the only folks wearing clothing, Hodges was easily spotted by police.

Jeffy McJefferson 18:10

If you're gonna rob a place.

Rayette 18:14

Take a look at the city.

Jeffy McJefferson 18:16

Jump into a nudist coming. But yeah, get rid of your but get rid of your clothes.

Rayette 18:20

Then you'd blend in.

Jeffy McJefferson 18:24

Maybe he had a okay. Maybe he had a teeny weeny.

Speaker 2 18:27

Yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 18:28

Well. I'd rather get caught by the cops. Right. That's it. Just turn yourself in at that moment. Personally, I'd rather get caught by the cops than have to expose yourself and blend in. Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, I couldn't even helicopter. This, you know, if he could helicopter, he should have gone and done that. Show off, yeah. Show off. Yeah. Show off, show out. So it's a dudest colony. So there's is it a beach or just a colony?

Rayette 18:54

Just a colonnade.

Jeffy McJefferson 18:55

Oh, okay.

Rayette 18:56

I don't know. Doesn't give me specifics.

Ricker 18:59

It's a beach, man. The dude with the clothes doesn't belong. This is this is not like trying to find Waldo. It's real easy. He doesn't have weird clothes. He's got clothes. And everybody else doesn't.

Jeffy McJefferson 19:12

Yeah.

Ricker 19:13

It's pick this dude out from all the people with birthday suits on. But he know Lowe's? I I wouldn't even know how. Yeah, and what are you stealing from Lowe's? Lowe's.

Jeffy McJefferson 19:24

Well, I guess.

Ricker 19:25

You know, he was he was the one clothed and had a two by four on his shoulder. Yeah, which is come on, dumbass.

Jeffy McJefferson 19:31

Yeah, which is not even, you know, plain. It's probably, you know, all warped like everything else is from Lowe's.

Rayette 19:36

It's true. All right. It's the worst pop possible time to faint in the middle of robbing a bank. But here's what happened. But that's what happened to a Beaver Creek, Ohio thief. The teller called 911 and asked for medics, but you have to applaud the man, stick it to stick it to evness.

Jeffy McJefferson 19:54

Stick new Yeah, stick to it and if it's right. I can't say it comes from. I'm from Oklahoma.

Rayette 20:00

While the ambulance was on route, the suspect handed a note to the teller demanding all her cash.

Jeffy McJefferson 20:09

I'm kind of impressed by him trying to go ahead and just follow through on it. Yeah.

Rayette 20:15

He did a good follow through.

Jeffy McJefferson 20:16

He did.

Ricker 20:23

Well, he's from Ohio. Yeah, he's from Ohio, so I and I don't want to, you know. Yes, you do. Yeah, I I do, but I I won't. How's that?

Rayette 20:32

Is that like the Fresno of California, the Ohio of the Ross?

Ricker 20:36

Well, when you're from Michigan, everybody Yeah, yeah, we hate we hate everybody from Ohio, basically. Just as a general rule. Not not because we want to, and there's some people from Ohio that I love to death, but as a general rule. Yeah. You're from Ohio, I'm from Michigan. And he's like, We don't like you. This is not surprising for Ricker. Yeah. That's this guy's from Ohio. Yeah. It's it's like orange and white for him.

Jeffy McJefferson 21:06

This doesn't work.

Ricker 21:07

O H I O shit.

Jeffy McJefferson 21:09

I'm in jail. Yeah.

Ricker 21:11

Yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 21:12

That's it.

Rayette 21:14

What rhymes with jail? Ohio.

Ricker 21:17

Close enough. Close enough. Yeah. It's a four-letter word. It's a four-letter word, and it's yeah. There's fuck, there's jail, and there's Ohio. Yeah.

Speaker 1 21:27

Ohio.

Rayette 21:29

Well, Mitchell Deslate walked into a Baton Rouge, Louisiana hotel and asked the clerk for a room. The clerk wasn't a clerk. He was a state trooper. The hotel was actually a state trooper station, and that's when Deslate was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated.

Ricker 21:48

So he asked for a room at the freaking How can they charge him at the jail highway patrol barracks?

Rayette 21:54

Because he drove there.

Jeffy McJefferson 21:56

Oh Yeah.

Ricker 22:00

There's not suspicion of when you're going to be able to do it.

Jeffy McJefferson 22:02

He already parked and took out his keys, right?

Ricker 22:06

I'm on this Violete or whatever the fuck his name is or whatever. I I get it. I I get your your point, but you know I I'm just letting you know that if you roll into a state troopers' barracks, there's go no there's going to be cameras. Well he's gonna get a room. Yeah, he's gonna get a place to stay. He's got a place to stay. You're right.

Rayette 22:32

He didn't even have to pay for it.

Ricker 22:35

No, he got a free room. It's probably a $10,000 free room at the end of the whole thing.

Jeffy McJefferson 22:43

I think he's gonna get away with that. Because he got room and board. Yeah, he probably got a free meal out of it. They charge him with DUI, but uh I'm sure they got cameras, I guess.

Rayette 22:55

But absolutely they have cameras outside the police station.

Ricker 22:58

Absolutely. And they got him driving in and getting out of the car and slammed. Yeah, this is an easy one.

Jeffy McJefferson 23:05

Whatever his name is?

Rayette 23:06

Mike Mitchell.

Jeffy McJefferson 23:08

Mitchell. Hey, Mitchell, good try.

Ricker 23:10

Yeah. I gotta hand it to him on that one. Yeah. But mistaking a police barracks for a freaking motel. Kind of looks like not really, not really. You would have to be hammer pants. Hammer pants.

Rayette 23:25

I've seen people hammer pants.

Ricker 23:27

We're not gonna name names anymore.

Rayette 23:30

I didn't name any names. If y'all are calling out yourself, that's on you.

Ricker 23:34

Of course. Nobody's calling out anybody's name. I'll call it myself.

Jeffy McJefferson 23:38

And that's that's from going to Mike's.

Ricker 23:40

Well, that was that was a mistake that you will probably never make again. And me as well. I went quite as I was not feeling quite so good either. So yeah.

Rayette 23:55

I felt fine.

Ricker 23:56

Well, yeah, that's funny. One party ball versus his drinks. Yeah.

Rayette 24:00

I know my limits.

Ricker 24:01

Yeah, well, there was, yeah, there were limits, and they got thrown out the door. Yeah.

Signed Confessions And Candy Trails

Rayette 24:06

So Graham Price of South Wells ripped off the bank where he worked, where he wasn't completely duplicitous. Duplic du Why do they have such duplicate?

Speaker 2 24:18

Duplicitous. There you go. Duplicitous.

Rayette 24:21

He left a note in the safe, borrowed seven million pounds, signed Graham Price. He left an IOU.

Speaker 1 24:31

That is awesome. That is awesome. That is really awesome.

Rayette 24:36

He just needed a raise to be able to pull up pay it back.

Ricker 24:39

Right.

Rayette 24:39

That's all he needed.

Ricker 24:40

Yeah.

Rayette 24:41

Just give him my.

Ricker 24:42

I'm borrowing this. It was just a simple phone. It's only seven million pounds. It's a simple loan.

Jeffy McJefferson 24:47

And they could have charged him interest on it and stuff like that. No interest because they could have charged him.

Ricker 24:52

I said, hey, you know what, Graham? Okay. You got your seven. It wouldn't be Graham at that point. It'd be G RAM because he's off the hook right there. G RAM.

Jeffy McJefferson 25:05

I think that was kind of a good move. Why am I siding with these assholes? I don't know. I don't know what your deal is. But I think because it was like kind of a cool thing that he did.

unknown 25:16

I don't know about that.

Jeffy McJefferson 25:18

It's not very bright, though. Well, I mean, he's like, hey, it's just a little bit. It's pretty funny. Well, I mean, he couldn't get there, he couldn't get there, you know, to wait the loan out.

Ricker 25:28

We're not talking about we're not talking about borrowing two pounds for a freaking beer on the way home. We're talking about a million pounds. How many million?

Rayette 25:39

Seven million pounds.

Ricker 25:39

Seven million pounds. I wonder how much that is. I'm just gonna borrow it. Seven million pounds off is that Australia? South Wales, that's yeah, that's Australia.

Jeffy McJefferson 25:51

That's Wales.

Ricker 25:51

No. No, no, no. South Wales. Yeah. South Wales, New South Wales is Australia. Well, either way.

Rayette 25:59

I don't know how much it is.

Ricker 26:01

Good try. Well, maybe maybe it is Southern Wales and it's in Britain. I don't know. Who knows? He's just a great guy. Just a great guy. Well trying to borrow seven million pounds. No, it's in Wales.

Jeffy McJefferson 26:19

No, is it New South Wales, you said?

Rayette 26:21

It just said South Wales.

Jeffy McJefferson 26:22

It just says South Wales is in South Wales. Is in Australia, yeah. But South Wales is in Wales. Okay. Okay. Okay. My bad. I looked that up.

Rayette 26:32

Okay. A good Samaritan noticed an elderly man being robbed, so he jumped in and punched the thief. The thief was so upset he called the police to complain.

Ricker 26:42

I like him. He's gonna go far in life. You get punched in the face for trying to rob somebody and you complain. Not so bright. Not so bright. Not so bright? No.

Jeffy McJefferson 26:56

No, I think I'm tired of any of these assholes.

Ricker 26:59

Yeah, I think I think you can take a break from it. This one, this one gets no defense.

Rayette 27:04

Yeah.

Ricker 27:04

Yeah. Sorry, you you you get punched in the face for trying to rob somebody, you get punched in the face. But you know what? Take it and learn.

Jeffy McJefferson 27:13

Here's the thing. Nowadays, he probably will win the case, win the case.

Ricker 27:20

You know, it wouldn't that be wouldn't that be delicious if if if it was delicious. Yeah. Nice. You know, well, I mean, you know, so freaking stupid that you call it delicious that he would win a lawsuit against whoever punched him for keeping this crime from happening.

Rayette 27:40

Yeah.

Ricker 27:41

Wouldn't it well I should I shouldn't say delicious, typical. It would be completely expected that if if some lawyer got hold of it, oh you're 100% you're owed money.

Rayette 27:54

Yeah.

Ricker 27:56

And then if that lawyer happened to turn up, you know, as your plant food, well.

Rayette 28:02

I like the title of this one. It says Next Time Steal a Milky Way.

Jeffy McJefferson 28:06

Uh oh.

Rayette 28:07

When Stephen Crane broke into the Ravelli Republic newsroom, he used the computers to watch porn and check Facebook. Then Crane doused the office with a fire extinguisher, took some candy, and left. It wasn't difficult to find him, however. The police just followed the trail of stolen MMs that led to his sister's place across the way.

Ricker 28:29

First of all, stupid criminal kudos to him for MMs. Watching porn.

Rayette 28:35

Watching porn.

Ricker 28:36

Oh, okay. Okay. I I I was thinking, you know, stealing the MMs. Okay. Where was the Milky Way on that?

Rayette 28:44

I don't know. It just said should a next time steal a Milky Way.

Ricker 28:47

You wouldn't be trailing you wouldn't trail the Milky Way. You would trail MMs. Yeah, but the Milky Way would be away. Yeah. It would be in your fucking mouth. Okay. Are you getting this, Jeffy?

Jeffy McJefferson 29:00

Oh, I'm getting it. I'm just saying, uh work with me. Okay. No, work with me, because this guy is like not bad. Go ahead. He's your body. He's my buddy. There we go.

Rayette 29:15

When police in Vancouver, Canada asked to search Jason Pache's apartment for drugs, he was not a suspect. In fact, they were looking for someone else. That all changed when they got a look at how his name was listed on his cell phone. Jason Pache, drug dealer.

Ricker 29:34

Hmm.

Jeffy McJefferson 29:36

I don't know if I could defend that guy. I don't.

Ricker 29:40

Go ahead and try. I want to hear this. I can't. Well, no, try. Try. How? I I don't know. Come up with something. You've come up with something for everybody else. Not everybody. Pretty close. This guy. You know. I'm going to have to say this is not.

Jeffy McJefferson 29:58

I think he I think he's going to get off with it.

Ricker 30:00

I think he's going to, you know. You think he he's just going to go in there and say, well, you don't have any proof. I was just joking. He says drug dealer on his what what?

Rayette 30:09

Cell phone.

Ricker 30:10

On his cell phone. Yeah. Yeah.

Rayette 30:12

Who names your own cell phone though?

unknown 30:14

Yeah.

Ricker 30:14

I mean. A weirdo who's a drug dealer wants everybody to know, I guess.

Rayette 30:19

In case you lose it, right.

Ricker 30:21

Yeah, please get it. You know, look for drug dealers in the neighborhood and you you'll know you'll find me.

Rayette 30:29

I mean, dumb. That's the title of this podcast. Dumb.

Ricker 30:35

It kinda is.

Rayette 30:36

This one's pretty good. Two men decided a back to school event at an office supply store would be the perfect time to do some shoplifting. After all, store clerks would be busy helping an influx of shoppers. The sale happened to coincide with the annual shop with a cop day when about six police officers showed up to help children pick out school supplies.

Jeffy McJefferson 30:58

Terrible, terrible planning. Terrible planning. That's what the hell? Wouldn't you think you would plan that a little bit better?

Ricker 31:13

That that's just going to another line of work.

Jeffy McJefferson 31:18

He might have been friends with that guy that tried to get a freaking room at the cop shop.

Ricker 31:23

Or the one who ran into the prison. Or either way. Golly. Yeah. This is this is let's let's freaking make it easy on the uh plan your henders.

Jeffy McJefferson 31:36

Work your plan.

Ricker 31:38

Yeah, well.

Rayette 31:39

That was not planned.

Ricker 31:41

That well, it was not well planned for sure. If it was planned, it was planned by idiots.

Jeffy McJefferson 31:47

Yeah.

Rayette 31:48

Hilarious.

Jeffy McJefferson 31:49

Think a little bit, Holmes.

Fake Badges And Counterfeit Blunders

Rayette 31:51

Well, Aiden Ramirez had it all figured out. He would be a cop without having to take the Aiden Ramirez? Uh-huh.

Jeffy McJefferson 31:58

Yeah. That's a freaking stepson.

Rayette 32:01

Might be Adon Ramirez. I don't know.

Jeffy McJefferson 32:05

Oh, okay.

Rayette 32:06

Adon Ramirez. Okay. Had it all figured out. He would be a cop without having to take the boring test. But he was arrested in Grapevine, Texas, after pulling over a driver in his pickup truck outfitted with flashing lights. He even had an ID padge which he'd made by blocking out a restaurant gift card and etching the word police. However, he kept the restaurant's logo, a jalapeno pepper, surrounded by the words Chipotle Mexican grill.

Ricker 32:42

Sometimes the best description is none whatsoever.

Jeffy McJefferson 32:45

What he wonder what he got for that. I mean, like his sentence was for that. You're stupid and you live with it for the time.

Rayette 32:56

I'm guessing not free burritos at Chipotle for the rest of his furries. Probably not.

Jeffy McJefferson 32:59

I'm guessing that's guessing that's okay. I mean he's he's not gonna have the absolute shit.

Rayette 33:05

Or he was sentenced to free burritos at Chipotle for the rest of his life.

Jeffy McJefferson 33:10

Great call.

Rayette 33:11

You have to eat Chipotle for the rest of your life. Yeah, yeah. And get the shits every time you turn around. That's your sentence.

Jeffy McJefferson 33:18

Yeah, your sentence is to eat Chipotle all the time.

Rayette 33:21

Either the shits or or salmonella or all that shit that they're gonna do.

Ricker 33:25

They're always getting sick. I think I've read them. I'd read them in the news.

Rayette 33:28

People are always getting sick there.

Ricker 33:30

Well, it yeah, it kind of calmed down, but like for like a two-year run, it was like sick.

Rayette 33:37

Yeah.

Ricker 33:37

There was something. Yeah. And it was usually salmonella.

Rayette 33:40

I've never eaten there in my life.

Ricker 33:41

No. No.

Rayette 33:43

Have you ever eaten at Chipotle?

Ricker 33:46

No, that the whole freaking everybody getting sick all the time. I tried it. Yeah, I'm okay.

Jeffy McJefferson 33:52

I tried it and got the uh absolute shits from it. You did? Yeah. Way back in the day. Okay. Well, I guess.

Rayette 34:00

It always looks good on TV, too.

Jeffy McJefferson 34:02

Oh well, hell yeah. They're they got they got the best looking freaking like guacamole and shit like that.

Rayette 34:07

Yeah. Could they make it fresh every day, it says.

Jeffy McJefferson 34:10

Yeah.

Rayette 34:12

I don't know. You get a fresh shit every day before I had a target store in Augusta, Georgia agreed to take a printer back from a dissatisfied customer. Then the clerk noticed some work that the customer forgot to remove from the machine. Some counterfeit bills.

Jeffy McJefferson 34:27

Wow.

Ricker 34:29

That's Augusta. That's where the masters is. Doesn't mean everybody's smart.

Rayette 34:35

Well he was making some money to go to the masters, maybe.

Ricker 34:37

Well, hell yeah.

Rayette 34:38

But he forgot to take him out of the printer. Well, that wasn't the smartest.

Jeffy McJefferson 34:44

I've never even thought about, you know, like doing counterfeit shit.

Rayette 34:48

But no, there's all those security things on them and stuff.

Jeffy McJefferson 34:51

Right.

Rayette 34:52

I don't know.

Ricker 34:53

It is uh duplicating the the the the holograms and the paper. The paper itself is the feel of it is so unique uh there's no way to do it. But if you did, I mean would you like to do it?

Jeffy McJefferson 35:09

But if you did No, seriously though, if you if you wanted to to counterfeit bills, all these assholes that try to do it are like big bill guys. Right. I mean, go with like fives and tens, tens, and ones and shit like that. Yeah, you may get a you may get I wouldn't do anything over a 20.

Ricker 35:32

I wouldn't do any of it, period, because if you did, I think if you did, yeah. Yeah, you couldn't go over Do you really want to do that shit?

Jeffy McJefferson 35:44

I mean, oh you know, one, you know, good enough.

Rayette 35:47

Ones you could take into like a strip joint, though, and just hell yeah.

Ricker 35:50

Hell yeah, wash the shit out of that crap right there.

Jeffy McJefferson 35:54

Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching.

Ricker 35:57

There you go.

Jeffy McJefferson 35:58

That's kind of that's kind of genius, really.

Ricker 36:00

Yeah.

unknown 36:01

You're right.

Krista 36:02

Freaking there you go.

Ricker 36:03

Your wife is a freaking criminal, a mastermind. Never gonna be on the stupid criminal list.

Rayette 36:09

I'm not on this list, yeah. Yeah.

Ricker 36:12

She's she's a smart criminal.

Rayette 36:13

I haven't got through the whole list yet, though, so we never know.

Ricker 36:16

Yeah, here we go.

Rayette 36:18

Well, two machete wielding men barged into a Sydney, Australia bar demanding money. They didn't know the club was hosting a biker's meeting at the time. One of the robbers ended up in the hospital, the other hog tied with electrical wire.

Jeffy McJefferson 36:31

Man, I would like to meet the dudes that's fucking. I'd love to. I'd love to, man.

Ricker 36:36

I would have to buy them a beer or five. So it's like a biker, like Harley people? No, no, no. Bikers. Oh, bikers. Oh, like in Australia, it could be. No, no, no, no, no. Bikers. Motorcycles, but that's what I'm saying. Like Harleys? Well, it could be Harleys or could be, you know, just motorcycles. Not schwins. Yeah. Motorcycles.

Jeffy McJefferson 36:59

Harley's not schwins. That's what I'm saying.

Rayette 37:01

Yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 37:01

Yeah. But these guys, I like to meet the guys. Oh, I would too. Yeah.

Rayette 37:07

Yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 37:08

That would be hilarious, man.

Rayette 37:10

Yeah. That would have been great.

Ricker 37:12

You know, you know that those guys freaking tell this story all the time. They probably beat the ever-loving hell out of them, too. They probably did.

Jeffy McJefferson 37:23

Yeah.

Ricker 37:23

And with a smile on their face, laughing the entire time. Oh, you guys made the biggest mistake ever, ever, ever, ever. Yeah. Until now.

Jeffy McJefferson 37:37

Let's face it, you fucked up.

Rayette 37:39

Because in Mesa, Arizona, a home break-in was foiled when the burglar jumped through the bedroom window and got trapped in a clothes hamper. Cops took it from there. That definitely wasn't the kind of clean getaway he had planned.

Jeffy McJefferson 37:50

Clothes hamper. Wow. Look at the pun on that shit. There's so many puns, it's unbelievable. Got trapped in a hamper.

Ricker 38:02

I don't know what kind of clothes hamper it was, but I just imagine, can you imagine telling all your friends, yeah, you know, I was breaking into a house, and then I squeezed through the window, and it was a it was a Chinese freaking finger torture device that I landed in. That's basically what it is. I couldn't get away from the clothes hamper.

Rayette 38:28

Put it under the window, and then you're safe.

Ricker 38:30

There you go.

Rayette 38:31

Yeah. See.

Ricker 38:32

There you go.

Jeffy McJefferson 38:33

That's all you gotta do.

Rayette 38:34

That's all you gotta do.

Jeffy McJefferson 38:35

Okay. Yep.

Bank Heists Fizzle And Weird Assaults

Rayette 38:38

Well, Joseph Goates' alleged attempt to rob a York, Pennsylvania bank met with some snags. Cops say the first teller he tried to rob fainted, and the next two had no more cash in their drawers. Fed up, Goats stormed out, threatening to write an angry letter to the bank.

Ricker 38:59

You guys don't keep enough bank uh enough cash on hand for me to rob you. Now see, I I'd love to hear that I'd love to see the letter.

Jeffy McJefferson 39:14

This is my luck on this. This this goat.

Ricker 39:18

You'd rob you you'd rob a bank that has tellers with no cash on hand. Yeah.

Krista 39:22

Yeah.

Ricker 39:23

That would be my luck. Yeah. That's why you don't do it. So hey, goats. Oh, and the other thing is you don't want to spend time in prison. Those two things kind of freaking do it.

Rayette 39:33

I heard they don't have good food.

Ricker 39:35

They do.

Rayette 39:36

They have good food?

Ricker 39:37

I'm pretty sure. Yeah. They want to keep the prisoners relatively calm. So food isn't from what I understand, so they don't serve Chipotle in prison. The food compared to the food that they serve the military, much better in prison. That's what I've heard. No, I don't I don't know this for a fact because I've only been on one side of that equation and not both.

Rayette 40:03

So I'm guessing the service. So let's clear it up for the listeners. Yeah.

Ricker 40:09

Not the jail side.

Rayette 40:11

Not the jail side. Just clearing that up for everyone. And I don't I I would doubt that.

Ricker 40:15

I would doubt that that tri that that works for jail, only prison. Jail food's probably still shitty as a guess. Like county jails.

Krista 40:28

Gotcha.

Ricker 40:28

Not thinking it's any good.

Jeffy McJefferson 40:30

But again. And we're not gonna do we're not gonna do a podcast about cuisine from jails, by the way. No, because we don't have any freaking experience. So luckily, thankfully. Well, I did go to Punker City jail one time and I got a my breakfast consisted of hostess honey bun.

Krista 40:52

So you got lucky.

Jeffy McJefferson 40:54

I guess. And I didn't even do anything, but anyway, go ahead.

Rayette 41:00

That's a whole different story.

Jeffy McJefferson 41:01

Whole different story.

Rayette 41:02

A German bank robber sent mocking emails to local police re ridiculing their efforts to arrest him. First, he let them know hit that they had his age, build, and accent wrong. Then he corrected their announcement that he'd escaped on foot. No, he had a getaway car. The cops got the last word in, though. When they arrested the guy a few hours later, they traced his email. They used his email to trace him.

Ricker 41:29

Good thinking, genius.

Jeffy McJefferson 41:32

What the fuck?

Ricker 41:34

Yeah. Einstein What's wrong with you, Einstein? Einstein. You're not very bright.

Rayette 41:44

Pretty dumb.

Ricker 41:44

Yeah. I mean that that number one, that that's really arrogant. So you know, the the stupidity and the arrogance, you deserve it. That's pretty simple. Agreed.

Jeffy McJefferson 41:59

Go to jail. Well, I mean, now, I mean, you know, if you shoot emails anywhere now, it's like, hey. Yeah, it's easy to trace you. Well, it's not even that. I mean, everybody was like, hey, emails kind of suck now, nobody does them. Hardly.

Ricker 42:14

This guy just wanted to freaking bait these assholes.

Rayette 42:17

Isn't that how BTK got caught too?

Ricker 42:19

No.

Jeffy McJefferson 42:22

He got caught. We can go into that later.

Rayette 42:26

Oh, I know what that was. Never mind.

Ricker 42:30

It wasn't it wasn't email.

Rayette 42:31

No.

Ricker 42:32

But it was still dumb. He was extremely arrogant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he was extremely arrogant.

Jeffy McJefferson 42:38

Yeah.

Rayette 42:39

Okay, after a man kicked in the door of a Texas home at 3 30 in the morning.

Jeffy McJefferson 42:43

First off, I'm going to stop this. Stupid ass, don't kick in any doors in Texas. Yeah, that's that's just wait waiting to get freaking shot in the face.

Ricker 42:54

But go ahead.

Rayette 42:54

The resident fled and called police. When cops arrived, they were surprised to find that the intruder hadn't stolen a thing. Police found the man in the bathroom enjoying a warm bath.

Ricker 43:06

Must have happened in Austin. Must have been happening in the body. Just because of the fact that nobody shot him in the face.

Jeffy McJefferson 43:14

Anywhere else in Texas. Yeah, you're getting shot in the game. This guy would have been shot in the face. Yeah.

Krista 43:19

Yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 43:20

Yeah. I was going to like, oh, okay. But no way in Texas this guy's going to need. Hell, you could freaking I expected to hear he got shot like a motherfucker. Yeah.

unknown 43:34

Yeah.

Rayette 43:34

As soon as I heard breaking into Texas at 3 30 in the morning.

Ricker 43:38

Idiot. Somebody's getting a freaking slug in their face.

Rayette 43:41

Yeah.

Ricker 43:42

Well, then you could put him in the bath.

Rayette 43:46

Robbie Rose lost his first place medal and was charged with a felony after it was discovered that he cheated in a Texas fishing tournament tournament by stuffing a one pound weight down the throat of the bass he'd caught. Officials became suspected. When they placed Rose's fish tank in a fish in a tank and it sank to the bottom.

Ricker 44:04

Well, that's that's this is this is an ongoing thing. Yeah, it is. It is. These bass tournaments are huge money. Yeah. That's what they do. They've been finding people cheating for years. Yeah. Yeah. Doing shit like that. Oh yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yep.

Rayette 44:22

I had no idea that was a good thing.

Ricker 44:23

Oh, or are pre or uh catching fish that aren't you you're not catching them at that tournament. You're catching them and freaking freezing them, and then you're bringing them.

Jeffy McJefferson 44:37

It is a major how much cheating is in a bass fishing tournament. Yeah. It's huge.

Rayette 44:43

I had no idea.

Jeffy McJefferson 44:44

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, it's huge.

Ricker 44:46

Yeah, it's big time. Yeah. And Rob. Somebody got somebody got sent to prison over it. Not too long ago. Robbie Rose, probably. I don't know. You know. But I know I'm I'm I'm pretty sure somebody uh like in the last five years got sent to prison for cheating.

Jeffy McJefferson 45:02

This shit happens way more.

Ricker 45:05

Oh man.

Jeffy McJefferson 45:06

Yeah.

Rayette 45:07

That sounds pretty interesting. According to the bus driver, it was a brutal and provoked attack. A woman got on his bus and assaulted him with a half-eaten banana. I had banana all over me, he insisted, on my tie, my shirt, and my eye. The woman explained that the driver had almost hit her car and that she, when she entered the bus to rationally discuss the matter, the banana slipped right into his tie, his shirt, and his eye. The court may have not believed that, but did believe her when she argued that it was unreasonable that a banana could cause this much damage. They slapped her with a fine of only about a hundred dollars.

Jeffy McJefferson 45:42

Should have been like 50 cents.

Rayette 45:45

I got banana in my eye.

Ricker 45:47

Oh. This sounds like the banana in the tailpipe thing from All I know is that this motherfucker this bus driver guy.

Jeffy McJefferson 45:57

Yeah. He really reported this chick cause half-eaten banana. How many people have been assaulted by a half-eaten banana? And live to tell about it.

Rayette 46:10

All of them.

Jeffy McJefferson 46:12

All of them, yeah.

Ricker 46:14

All four of them. Thank you. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it happening, and it probably isn't a fatal attack. This bus driver needs to have the ever-living shit beat out of him.

Rayette 46:27

With a full banana.

Ricker 46:30

Over a long period of time involving with a bunch of bananas. A bunch of bananas. Green. Green, so they're painful. Yeah. No, I yeah, this is a that's a new one. Yeah. I I don't that that's kind of a weird one because I don't know who the who the stupid criminal and who isn't a stupid criminal.

Rayette 46:51

They're both kind of dumbass.

Ricker 46:52

Yeah, they're both kind of dumb asses. Number one, crying about somebody getting banana in your uniform.

Rayette 47:00

Yeah, come on.

Ricker 47:01

Just happy. Yeah. It's not like these things are like. And how can you know, obviously, you said something to provoke it.

Rayette 47:08

It's not mustard or something that would stain you. Like or even, you know what I mean?

Ricker 47:14

Like And and if you had a sense of humor, you'd go.

Rayette 47:19

Yeah.

Ricker 47:20

You know, you'd have to sit there and go, you know, that's I've never been hit with a banana, but that's pretty damn funny. That this sounds like a skip from Maudville. You should, yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 47:30

Instead of like turning this bitch in. Yeah, it's like movie about it and get rich.

Krista 47:36

Yeah, exactly.

Ricker 47:38

I'm the only person to freaking get hit with a banana and live to tell about it. Yeah, TikTok. Yeah.

Rayette 47:44

I mean, seriously. Whatever, yeah. Yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 47:46

Yeah. You're gonna be like, hey. Oh, but I got fucked up. Sorry. Yeah.

Tattoos Tell On Murderers

Rayette 47:52

Police in California had an easy time pinning a four-year-old murder on Anthony Garcia. That's because he pinned it on himself with an elaborate tattoo on his chest depicting the killing. Cops noticed the incriminating ink when taking Garcia's mugshot for a petty crime. That tattoo revealed all the details from that night, from the Christmas lights and bent over street lamp near the liquor store where the body was found, to the image of an angry helicopter. Garcia's name was Chopper, machine gunning the victim.

Speaker 1 48:23

Wow. That's literally awesome.

Jeffy McJefferson 48:29

Literally awesome.

Rayette 48:30

Hilarious.

Jeffy McJefferson 48:32

Yeah. That's about as egotistical fucker as you can find.

Ricker 48:38

It's awesome. I mean, the fact that he got he he was stupid enough to put it in permanent ink on the body. That just goes to show you I'm never gonna get caught to what I guess.

Rayette 48:54

I don't know. But it said voice. No, no, no.

Ricker 48:57

He got it, it was petty crime. Oh, I guess that's right. Yeah. They they said it was over petty crime. So well, fuck a tattoo artist, man. You should be out of bed. Well, wait a second. Here's the thing. Okay, you commit a murder. More than likely, crime isn't really something that you don't do generally. You probably do it on a regular basis. You know, if murder's no big deal, you're probably robbing shit and stealing stuff and assaulting people on a regular basis. So the chance that you're gonna go into a jail and told to freaking take your shit off so they can look at your tats is probably pretty high.

Rayette 49:45

Still going still going. Maybe he just thought it would like blend in the rest with a tattoo artist guy, man.

Jeffy McJefferson 49:50

I mean, like, come on, dude. Seriously? Maybe. Maybe. Why the fuck did you not go, hey?

Ricker 49:58

Well, now now hey, here's the thing. What if the tattoo artist didn't say anything and knew about the crime? Does that make him accomplice? Yeah, does that make him complice?

Jeffy McJefferson 50:09

But I mean. Guilty by association or something. Yeah, Nanema. Yeah. Because I mean this guy did this, and then it was like four years after he got the fucking tattoo.

Rayette 50:20

Yeah. Four-year-old murder. So we don't know when he got the tattoo.

Ricker 50:23

Well, I would assume. Well, yeah, sometime in between. So it could have been.

Jeffy McJefferson 50:28

But he still it doesn't matter. You know, the tattooers. He should have gone and done all the work and shit like that, got paid. And then said, hey, this dude admitted to a murder. Hey, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can look at it right on his fucking chest.

unknown 50:42

Yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 50:43

Tattoo artist. Step up, man. Be better.

Rayette 50:47

James Ryan of Memphis was chal charged with a forgery after he handed a waitress a $100 bill. The waitress knew something was funny with the money. Instead of portly portly visage of Brent Franklin, it was the star of the $5 bill, Abe Lincoln, who was staring back at her.

Ricker 51:07

Put Abe Lincoln in the center instead of Ben Franklin on a $100 bill.

Rayette 51:11

Yep.

Jeffy McJefferson 51:13

What was the guy's name?

Rayette 51:15

James Ryan.

Ricker 51:17

Genius McGenius Sr. That's that's his name. Genius McGeenius. That's like that that's almost a catch-me thing. You could probably get away with that out of Waffle House.

unknown 51:38

Oh man.

Ricker 51:40

Now, if you're gonna steal, that would probably be a good place to steal. I like Waffle House. I bet they I bet they do a lot of cash business at Quatch Waffle House. Two in the morning and two in the morning, they're freaking taking their stripper ones and paying for meals. Yeah, so go ahead, Jake, right. Yeah. If you're gonna steal from uh, you know, anybody, how about how about a waffle? And everybody's wasted anyways. That's what I'm saying. You know, go ahead and do it there. But you know, uh, how many times have you heard stupid criminal think it true? Think it true. Think it true. How many, you know, I'm just I'm trying to help the uh criminal element that aren't so smart. You know, try try a waffle house, you know, strip club or even a day with singles, or even a day. Lots of singles. Yeah. Little sweaty, a little, you know, meaty in the middle, but you know, go ahead. Do it.

Jeffy McJefferson 52:30

Dude, he could he could have got a bitching ass lap dance for that shit. Yeah. Idiot. Go ahead.

Rayette 52:39

A woman in Somerset, Massachusetts was arrested for breaking and entering, but she was quickly caught thanks to her ankle bracelet, the one fitted with a GPS system that she had gotten from the police for being on probation from an earlier breaking and entering case.

Jeffy McJefferson 52:52

That's a pretty good GPS.

Ricker 52:53

So basically recidivism is a real thing. That's what this is telling us. That the criminal mind works, criminal enterprise forever. There's no way that I could even justify anything like that for this bitch. I don't need I don't know what to tell you. I'm just saying that, you know, criminals will do criminal things.

Jeffy McJefferson 53:18

Yeah. Well, you had to be fucked up again.

Ricker 53:21

No, that's the pro It's on the way to getting fucked up.

Jeffy McJefferson 53:27

No, I'm saying you had to be fucked up, man, if you got an ankle bracelet and you're still doing the breaking in or any shit.

Ricker 53:33

Yeah, but I mean I'm saying that they're, you know, they've got an ankle bracelet. Oh, it could be regular. I don't know. Anyways, okay.

Rayette 53:43

The victim's jewelry was missing. The electronics were gone, and a window was smashed. Namunder wonder she was hysterical when an officer of the Calgary police of o arrived. Then her French speaking father called. Speaking in French, she explained that it was all a scam in an order to get the insurance money. What she didn't suspect was that the officer speaks six languages, including French.

Ricker 54:07

Good thinking.

Jeffy McJefferson 54:09

Bad call. Bad call. Very bad. That would be an oopsie.

Ricker 54:18

See now, at least that's stupid. But at the same time, you thought you were being sneaky and and you m you made an assumption that was incorrect. What are you dumb assumptions?

Rayette 54:35

Well, no, because missing cousins.

Ricker 54:38

It's still not, it's not quite as stupid. It's not quite as stupid. But you're still in Canada and there's a lot of French speakers since I was just gonna say that.

Rayette 54:47

Like, isn't there isn't that like a pretty common language up there?

Ricker 54:51

But Calgary is kind of I don't know.

Rayette 54:55

I've never been there. I don't know where the West are up there.

Ricker 54:59

It's the w one of the Western provinces, and I don't know if they don't speak as much French over there? I don't I don't think so, but like Quebec and and some of the eastern provinces, that's where most of the French speakers are. But they you know, it's a dual language country. I mean, you know, the French, you know, forced that crap. They were gonna freaking secede from Canada. And then they said, oh, well, we'll make it a dual language or whatever. So yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 55:30

Well, anyway, she got fucked.

Ricker 55:32

Because she made an assumption that was incorrect. Right. A very big assumption.

Rayette 55:37

Well, Christopher Oxley of Everett, Washington was arrested for conducting a drug deal over the phone in the bathroom of the Everett Police Department.

Ricker 55:46

Well That doesn't surprise that that is I don't even know if that's stupid. I think that's that's another assumption that you're gonna get away with it. Because you're in Washington, they don't they don't actually freaking do anything about crime, do they?

Jeffy McJefferson 56:02

Well, you know what to happen.

Rayette 56:04

Yeah, I don't know. These don't have like dates or anything.

Ricker 56:08

But I don't I don't I don't know if they actually arrest people in one of the people.

Jeffy McJefferson 56:14

Would you conduct a drug deal, man, when you're in the fucking police department?

Ricker 56:17

Well, maybe he did it twelve times before and never got arrested.

Rayette 56:21

Maybe.

Ricker 56:22

That's the thing. Well he got up there. He got caught, yeah. Yeah. I just uh uh spending.

Rayette 56:31

But what was he doing there in the first place? He was because it doesn't sound like a lot of people.

Ricker 56:38

I could tell you stories about going to police stations and you'd probably go, How are you still among us? But yeah. Yeah.

Rayette 56:49

A 12-year-old boy adamantly denied having stolen an iPhone when the questioned by police at his home. And then the iPhone rang in his closet. Okay, yes, he stole that. But as for the Blackberry that he was also accused of stealing, he double admit admittedly denied that. Ring.

Jeffy McJefferson 57:10

Really? Well, first off, did Blackberry and iPhones cross paths anytime?

Rayette 57:17

That's a great question because Blackberries are pretty old, right? Yeah, blackberries are real old.

Ricker 57:24

Yeah.

Rayette 57:24

Maybe at the very beginning.

Ricker 57:27

Because crackberries, remember you used to do the crackberry thing? You used to have the the you know, it had I never had a blackberry. Oh really? We had blackberry phones. I did. I I had them, and it was like you you got your thumbs got used to texting, and you could text pretty fast with a but that's what it was for. It was all about texting.

Jeffy McJefferson 57:49

Well that's what I'm saying. Why in the h well, why in the hell is uh you know iPhones came out like I don't even know when iPhones came out.

Rayette 57:57

I don't know.

Jeffy McJefferson 57:58

But I mean, if they cross paths, I mean well maybe at the very beginning of an iPhone. Well, this twelve-year-old had it had it going on. I guess so.

Rayette 58:10

Clive Halford. Why did I call it stupid names? Clive thinks big. The British career criminal stole the truck and loaded it with 18 pallets of stolen nickel and copper worth around 150 pounds. About $250,000. Yes, the hall was huge, too huge. Cops arrested Halford after the truck's suspension collapsed under the weight. Earlier, Halford had stolen a car, overloaded it, and broken its suspension too.

Jeffy McJefferson 58:40

This reeks of fucking myth. Or or some kind of stupidity.

Ricker 58:47

Well, it's all stupidity. I'm guessing so. I'm guessing so. This just sounds like I mean if you think it's good.

Jeffy McJefferson 58:55

The guy's name's Clive. Clive. And you're thinking maybe it's not like from the case.

Rayette 59:00

What's wrong with the parents that name their kid Clive?

Ricker 59:03

Well, Clive I think Clive's a traditional British name.

Rayette 59:06

Oh, is it? Yeah, it's a good one. Okay, that wouldn't make sense, I guess.

Ricker 59:09

Well, if he would have But it sounds it may be a traditional criminal British name. I don't know. Clive. Clive.

Jeffy McJefferson 59:20

You know, but who knows? That is a fucking dumb name anyway. Yeah.

Rayette 59:26

Sorry if your name is Clive.

Jeffy McJefferson 59:27

Yeah. I don't know. I'm not sorry. If your name's Clive, fuck you.

Ricker 59:30

Well, no, if your name's Clive. Don't don't commit stupid crimes and we won't make fun of you.

Jeffy McJefferson 59:36

Well, if your name if your name's Clive nowadays, you're probably from the deep south. Possible. Yeah. Enjoy your life in Southern Alabama. But go ahead, babe.

Rayette 59:48

Don't you hate it when you suffer a heart attack and think you're going to die, so you confess to a 17-year-old murder only to find out that you're not gonna die and then get sentenced to life in prison as a result? Yeah, so does James Washington of Nashville, because it happened to him.

Speaker 1 1:00:04

Wait a second. Do that one again. Wait.

Rayette 1:00:09

You're having a heart attack, so you think you're going to die, so you confess to a 17-year-old murder, only to find out you're not going to die, and now you're sentenced to life in prison as a result.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:00:25

You know, unbelievable.

Rayette 1:00:27

He did not take it to his grave.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:00:31

The only thing that you should probably confess to on you know when you're having a heart attack, think you're gonna die, is uh if you fucked around on your wife or or the wife of the family. I wouldn't confess to shit. Absolutely not. I'm just saying the only thing that you if you if you're gonna be in that situation, you're not gonna go, hey, I murdered somebody, asshole.

Ricker 1:00:53

You make a confession between you and your maker in your head. I'm just saying. I hear you there is and you're wrong.

Rayette 1:01:02

Yeah, but then if you live, then now you're getting a divorce and you've lost everything.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:01:07

But I'm saying that you might as well be dead. I'm just going with the lesser of two evils. That's all.

Rayette 1:01:14

Is it the lesser of two evils?

Ricker 1:01:15

I don't I think it's evil either way.

Rayette 1:01:17

And you would you rather have a pissed off wife?

Ricker 1:01:20

No, no.

Rayette 1:01:22

Or go to jail.

Ricker 1:01:23

Pissed off wife. I think I think the prison sounds like an easier road to freaking hoe.

Rayette 1:01:29

And a wife that's been scorned.

Ricker 1:01:31

Yeah, yeah. I think you I think you need to rethink. I get what you're saying. I'm just saying.

Rayette 1:01:35

Remember, I dug a hole in the backyard and burned every thing that my ex had.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:01:39

Yeah, but I didn't fuck around.

Ricker 1:01:41

I thought you were gonna say you burn you you dug a hole in in, you know, waiting for his ultimate demise.

Rayette 1:01:50

I take a shovel out every day out there.

Ricker 1:01:52

Well, that's what happens. He died of natural causes, so don't worry about it.

Rayette 1:01:59

I've almost got a swimming pool made.

Ricker 1:02:02

No, not this one.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:02:03

He doesn't count. I tried to help you, but couldn't do it. Gay with the old college try.

Rayette 1:02:12

Oh, Ricker will like this one.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:02:13

Yeah, of course.

Florida Chaos And Final Faceplants

Rayette 1:02:14

Callie Ruff of Middleton, Ohio. Ohio was picked up in shop for shoplifting from a Dollar General store with her two young children in tow. Among the Booty was a book, 101 Ways to Be a Great Mom.

Ricker 1:02:28

You can't make this shit up. I'm stealing, but I'm stealing to make my kids better people.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:02:34

Uh-huh. I don't even know if I'm going to comment because I still want to wait to hear what Rickor says, even after this. But Ohio. Ohio. Ohio. Ohio.

Krista 1:02:45

Rhymes with jail.

Ricker 1:02:50

Seriously close to jail. That's got nothing. You know what? I I'm not going to put this on Ohio. This is just stupid parenting. Just absolutely stupid.

Rayette 1:03:02

Stupid parenting 101.

Ricker 1:03:03

Yeah. This is you don't do that. I'm putting it on Ohio. No, I can't. You know what? If she got away with it, then I'd put it on Ohio.

Rayette 1:03:13

What if she went to Ohio State?

Ricker 1:03:16

Oh. Oh, then I'd have to freaking. Yeah, then I'd have to. Okay. I wouldn't have a two. Or like Ohio. She was a host. Or like the car. Oh, if she's an Ohio State.

Rayette 1:03:25

She had an Ohio State sticker on her car. She was probably Ohio State. Found the getaway car.

Ricker 1:03:29

Yeah. Well, was it in Columbus?

Rayette 1:03:32

No. Yeah.

Ricker 1:03:34

We don't know.

Rayette 1:03:35

Middleton. Middletown.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:03:37

Close enough. I don't even know where it's at.

Ricker 1:03:39

I'll have to ask my friend that lives or that's from Did Did I that's another story. Never mind.

Rayette 1:03:45

We have lots of other stories for you.

Ricker 1:03:47

Yeah, I know. I know.

Rayette 1:03:48

This is lots of Well, we're winding down here, so Okay. A Molotov Molotov Cock. Molotov cock and bull story. That's what this is.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:03:57

Cock and bulls.

Rayette 1:03:58

Following a dispute, Craig Aylesworth of Blithlow, Florida, allegedly tossed a Molotov cocktail at his neighbor's trailer home just as the winds shifted, sending Embers to his own trailer. Luckily, he was arrested since he no longer had a home to return to.

Ricker 1:04:18

That's a double dumbass. I'm going to commit a felony, but I'm going to burn my own joint down. Yay me. In Florida. Almost classic. I mean, geez. Number one, the firefighters are going to laugh at your ass. Oh, yeah. And when you have, we know how much we love firefighters. Right. You know, them laughing at us is going to be great. And then on top of it, you're going to have every freaking cop that arrests you going, good job, Sonny. Yeah. Nice work, stupid. What are you going to do for an encore? Gotta be kidding me.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:05:00

I wish I'd seen that video. If there was a video. If there's a video.

Rayette 1:05:04

That'd be a great TikTok.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:05:05

Please, if there's a video of this guy, and what's his name? Uh stupid.

Rayette 1:05:10

Craig Aylesworth.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:05:11

Craig Aylesworth. Dummy. Yeah.

Rayette 1:05:14

Let's see that TikTok.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:05:15

Let's see that. Yeah. Come on, man. We gotta have that.

Rayette 1:05:18

It's gotta be out there.

Ricker 1:05:20

There's a whole thing about Florida men and freaking stupid crimes. Man. And this just kind of seems like Yeah.

Rayette 1:05:28

There's a lot of Florida. And Ohio on this list.

Speaker 2 1:05:33

Yeah.

Rayette 1:05:34

And Texas.

Speaker 2 1:05:35

Buckeys. Buckeyes. Excuse me.

Rayette 1:05:38

A San Francisco thief peddled his bike up to a woman on the sidewalk, snatched her iPhone out of her hands, and rode away. Unknown to him, the woman was in the middle of demonstrating the iPhone's new GPS tracking device, which worked. The thief was captured minutes later.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:05:53

Hope he got his ass kicked.

Ricker 1:05:56

Yeah, it'd be you know, it'd be hilarious if he got his. Ass kicked prior to the police showing up.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:06:02

I hope he got his ass kicked by the woman.

Ricker 1:06:04

That's what I'm saying. You know, that she found him, beat his ass, and then called called the police and said, This is where he's at. With the iPhone. Yeah, with the iPhone. You know, leave it in his hands, but let him, you know. Yeah. I think that's perfect.

Rayette 1:06:21

Anthony Kenneth was impersonating a police officer.

Speaker 1 1:06:26

Always a bad sign.

Rayette 1:06:27

Well, I'll be truthful. He has a really long last name that I'm not going to try to say.

Speaker 1 1:06:31

Okay.

Rayette 1:06:33

Anthony Kenneth was impersonating a police officer when he pulled over another car for speeding. The driver quickly sussed out that Kenneth was fibbing since he too was a cop. But in his case, the kind of cop who doesn't have to pretend he's a cop because he really is a cop. Kenneth was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

Ricker 1:06:56

Okay. So he got busted for impersoning a impersonating a police officer.

Rayette 1:07:03

Who pulled over a police officer?

Ricker 1:07:05

Pulled over an undercover. But an undercover cop, basically.

Rayette 1:07:11

Yeah. He doesn't have to pretend he's a cop.

Ricker 1:07:14

He doesn't have to pretend he's actually a cop, but he's undercover. So this guy just happened to have really, really shitty fucking love.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:07:24

Again, I would love to see the video of this video.

Ricker 1:07:26

Oh yeah.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:07:27

Yeah.

Ricker 1:07:28

Uh and how far do you let him get?

Rayette 1:07:31

Like.

Ricker 1:07:32

Oh, you gotta let him get a little bit. You gotta let him go a little bit, right? Yeah, exactly. Come on, yeah. Great. Yeah.

Rayette 1:07:37

Yeah.

Ricker 1:07:37

You gotta you gotta play stupid and say, oh, I don't know what I did wrong, officer.

Rayette 1:07:43

Yeah.

Ricker 1:07:43

Oh yeah.

Rayette 1:07:44

I feel like you do too.

Ricker 1:07:45

Yeah. You you just gotta get deep enough into it and then go, Yeah, that looks like a badge in my hand. I don't I don't know what to tell. Uh I think you're under arrest, dude. I think you got this backwards.

Rayette 1:07:58

How convenient. Only a few months earlier, a man from Iowa City, Iowa had his driver's license stolen. Then who would show up at a bar where he worked as a bouncer? But the thief brandishing the bounter bouncer's very own license as his form of iPhone.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:08:13

That's an ass beaten. Oh, yeah.

Rayette 1:08:14

That bouncer done took that dot. That's an ass beat. No, he did.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:08:18

Oh yeah.

Rayette 1:08:18

You know he did.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:08:20

That's a fucking ass beating.

Rayette 1:08:22

Let me beat the shit out of you. Then I'll call the thing.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:08:23

And then I'll call the cops. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. That's an easy one. I guarantee you that this guy seen the ID and go, okay, come on in. And then just kick the ever-loving shit out of him. Oh no, no.

Ricker 1:08:37

He didn't kick the ever-loving shit. Him and every other bouncer in that joint kick the snot out of this. No, no, there's no way.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:08:46

Because every other bouncer is going to go, dude, it's yours. Kick the fuck out of this guy.

Ricker 1:08:55

I think you'd get everybody, but they would just kick the living snot out of him.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:09:02

Because the the dude that, you know, no way. Because this guy's going to kick his ass so bad that there's going to be nothing left for the other fuckers. No way. I don't know about that. He might beat the hell out of everybody that's going to try to stop him from beating the hell out of him. Just to try to get in get their shots in. Anyways. Okay.

Ricker 1:09:26

I'm digressing again.

Rayette 1:09:29

Is there no honor among thieves? While two suspects were being questioned in Ogden, Utah, police about shofting shoplifting from a store, someone broke into their car and stole the stereo and several other items. Into the shoplifter's car.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:09:45

Really?

Rayette 1:09:46

And stole their radio, their stereo and several other items.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:09:50

That's freaking awesome.

Ricker 1:09:53

Shit happens. That's a dumbass squared number right there. Not really. No.

Rayette 1:10:06

All right. Last one. An El Paso, Texas man busted into a church and absconded with the safe. Safes are heavy, so he only got a few yards before dropping it on a neighbor's lawn where he tried to crack it open. That's when he c was confronted by the homeowner's occupant, a police officer.

Ricker 1:10:26

Where in Texas was this?

Rayette 1:10:27

El Paso.

Ricker 1:10:28

Asshole from El Paso. So that's good thinking. Yeah. That would be that's right up there.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:10:36

That's right up there with people who like freaking uh chain a freaking ATM and try to Right, try and pull it out and then yeah.

Ricker 1:10:44

Yeah.

Krista 1:10:44

Yeah, exactly.

Ricker 1:10:46

Good luck. There's only there's only six cameras and freaking yeah. Go for it, dude. Yeah. Yeah. That that you know, some some of these criminals, it it's not just stupidity, it's nuclear stupidity. They are they are so freaking stupid it it defies gravity. You you can't you you can't you you really can't freaking say anything. It's so dumb it explains itself.

Rayette 1:11:17

Agreed.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:11:19

Well, thanks for it for bailing me out on this one. I had a price bill. It was kind of interesting. This actually was kind of funny.

Ricker 1:11:26

The topic's perfect for it. Yeah. I mean, if you're gonna do a humorous topic, this is the one.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:11:33

Yeah. Because I was like thinking other shit last night and I was like, oh god, that's yeah, you screwed up.

Ricker 1:11:38

You screwed up, but that's okay. We we expect it out of you. Sorry. Right. Sorry, Jeffy.

Speaker 1 1:11:46

I didn't mean that.

Rayette 1:11:48

Yes, you did.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:11:49

Yeah, yeah, I did. I am freaking great at what I do, but not this time.

unknown 1:11:56

Okay.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:11:57

Bailed me out. Yes, you did. It's all good. She she bailed all of us. Thank you, baby. Baby.

Rayette 1:12:02

Baby. Bebe. Baby.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:12:05

You know what? This has been fun. I thought that was excellent.

Ricker 1:12:10

Yeah, it was hilarious. Puts a light on some of the stuff. And it's always about other people doing stupid things. That's a freaking easy one. We're out.

Rayette 1:12:21

We're out.

Jeffy McJefferson 1:12:45

I love dumb asses. Dumbasses help the double.

Ricker 1:12:53

You can't even freaking dumb. It it does.